Do You Keep Talking About LOVE…wanting to understand it, longing for others to care about you, yet no matter how much you try, loving relationships seem to elude you?
- Are your words expressing your desire to show how much you care but your responses continually focus on how you feel, not on the needs and feelings of others?
- Do you feel upset that other people seem to misunderstand your “good” and “caring” intentions and they respond to you in ways that you perceive as abrupt, indifferent, and uncaring?
- Do you find yourself feeling hurt and acting out in anger and even rage, thinking to yourself “How dare this person say this, or do this, to me?”
If any of these statements ring true for you, then it is time to take stock of the situation. Take a good hard look at yourself. Do people often respond this way when they first meet me or after we get more closely connected? Is it a certain type of person who responds in less than caring ways toward me or is it a general reaction that many people have?
TIME FOR REALITY CHECK
Now evaluate the person or people who you perceive as being less than loving toward you. Would most people agree with you that this other person is rude and cold and insensitive? If yes, then you have two choices. You can choose to disconnect and not engage again with this person. If it is someone you must interact with (family or business associates, then it is best to disconnect emotionally. Remember, this is important if in your evaluation you feel that this person or these people are specifically difficult people in the way they treat others.
However, if you take a good hard look and realize that this person is not generally cold or indifferent but seems to be responding to you that way, that is a different story. That is when it is time to do some deep soul searching. Evaluate your own behavior, and not just the recent behavior that may have been quite innocuous. Take a long hard look at your behavior, your attitudes, what you have specifically said and done over a long period of time.
SATISFYING NEEDS AND KEEPING BOUNDARIES
In relationships, we are continually showing love or revealing the opposite of love. We are either caring for the other person’s needs, caring for our own needs or creating mutually satisfying need satisfaction. We are either allowing the other person to maintain their own boundaries, whether we like those boundaries or not – or – we are continually pushing the other person to allow us to push through their boundary for our own needs and purposes.
This mutual need satisfaction and acceptance of boundaries requires continual vigilance. If we choose to ignore the expressed (or even unexpressed) needs and desires of the other person in order for us to feel okay, to feel good, to feel special, then we are creating a love deficit that will eventually dissipate the loving feelings we will receive. If we ignore our own needs just to please the other person, we will eventually have to put a stop to that and the relationship balance will become disturbed.
KNOWING YOUR POSITION
Another important factor is knowing your position. If you are the breadwinner in a family, you have certain obligations and may have a strong desire to receive obvious signs of respect and appreciation. If you are choosing to not create your own career and to allow another person to support you financially (but this also works emotionally), then you need to take that extra step of showing your appreciation, often, even when you may not feel you are receiving enough acknowledgement in return.
If you hire a professional who works by the hour to provide the services you desire, then you need to understand your position as a client. When you overstep the boundary and start expecting the professional to become your “friend” you are asking to eventually feel hurt and misunderstood. When you know your position, you work within the guidelines of your professional association together.
NOW ITS’ YOUR TURN
Please leave a comment below and let me know if you have ever experienced and how your have handled this type of subtle boundary violation and lack of understanding and respect for your position in your personal or business relationships.
If you are not so fulfilled in your relationships, if you would like to create more love and you just don’t know how, and if you can’t help feeling that there’s something more in life, please do yourself a favor and reach out to someone who can help.
CONTACT ME. Together we can help you fix what can be fixed in your relationship and bring back that loving feeling or make new decisions and difficult choices.
JOIN the EPIC LOVE SERIES – DITCH THE FAIRYTALE AND CREATE YOUR OWN EPIC LOVE STORY
Keep checking back to find out more about my upcoming 30 DAY LOVE CHALLENGE.
In the meantime….
Warmly,
Image courtesy of cohdra – Dead End @MorgueFiles.com
Dr. Erica Goodstone
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Hi Erica,
I’m in this situation with a very close (in relationship to me) relative. It’s someone I don’t live with or live close to geographically. However, we could still have a relationship over the phone, and could still visit each other. It’s got to a stage though, where I have challenges handling the nastiness or indifference towards my husband. I didn’t handle the situation very well – I wrote a letter stating exactly how I felt and we’ve hardly spoken since. I could just ignore this person altogether, but it doesn’t feel right, in fact it feels terrible.
Julieanne,
It is upsetting when someone is nasty or indifferent toward your husband. That is showing disrespect for you because this is the person you chose to marry.
A relationship takes 2 people. Did this person respond to the letter you wrote? I once wrote a long letter to my uncle over an incident and it became quite strained for awhile and then we both just let it go. Have your called this person again? That might be a good thing to do. If he or she does not respond well, there may not be much you can do after that, but maybe write again stating that you are disappointed and wanted to clear the air and perhaps get closer.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erica well made points!
My experience is seeing this in others. I have something about being extra aware of my surroundings. Call it PTSD or what ever! This works both ways to see yourself and make needed attitude adjustments.
I found that being in the right attitude while adjusting it down a little around those people who may find it makes them not have the attention they are use to. That is what shapes it with others. You may be “Stilling their light” per say. It is all about attitude and toning down a little around those with negative teachings to you, lately. Will most likely be the key to a whole new relationship understanding. Hey, if you have the think skin. Just walk up to the person and be in a state of humility. Ask “Hey, lately you make me feel like I am a wort on your face,What gives?”. Take the feed back and make sure to remember what the emotional result feels like.
Just self-experience talking and sharing a walk through. This is a great challenge we all face through this journey. Make it a learning one. Thanks Dr. Erica for being just you!
William,
I have discovered that sometimes, even with my best intentions and when I speak clearly about what is true for me, another person may not be ready to hear what I am saying or may misinterpret the meaning or even my intentions. It can be frustrating. The key, for me, is to surround myself with caring and supportive friends and colleagues so that when I run into difficulties I can more easily stand my ground and know my truth. Life is a continual learning experience.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts about this.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Everyone has their own love language. Kim was getting me into reading them because I often had a hard time trying to learn or be more aware of others’ love languages. Because of it, it’s even helped in business dealings too.
Nile,
It helps so much when we understand how another person is feeling and reacting rather than making assumption based upon our own style. This works in business as well as personal and intimate relationships.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
This post was a very hard one to read right now … but so, so true. Thanks
Heather,
Feel free to reach out to talk on the phone or skype. Relatonships can certainly be difficult and cause us to feel all sorts of upsetting emotions. And, we can feel wonderful when we resolve some of the discords that attempt to keep us feeling separate.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Avoidance isn’t always the best way, but it is my introvert way of cutting ties with someone I can’t cut ties with. Family members are there to stay, but we certainly don’t have to take the initiative in seeking out their company. 😉 I’ve always felt I’m the one who has to back away from conflict, but if it’s something that isn’t worth sacrificing the relationship, then I’m willing to back away in order to keep peace.
I’m thankful this has never been necessary with the family member who counts the most — my husband. We’ve been married 33 years, and we’ve never had a real fight, because both of us are willing and able to talk things out. We also know when to let something go for now, until we’re both able to talk about it.
Willena,
You are so fortunate to have chosen a spouse that is willing to communicate and does not push you for his own agendas. And you also have a style that allows him to be himself and feel safe and content. So many people harbor unfair demands and expectations and put pressure on their most intimate partner to satisfy unmet needs. Relationships can be wonderful when we are just present with each other, accepting and allowing and at the same time expressing our own needs and desires.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erica, you have really brought up some great solutions to resolve issues that arise in many relationships. I think it is so important to learn how to be open and understanding along with respectful of others needs, emotions and issues. You also have to know yourself and what you need to feel supported and loved in a relationship. Thanks so much for the great post and helpful info!
Shelley,
You are so right. We need to be open and then to really understand other people’s needs, not just our own. So many of us are shortsighted.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hello Dr Erica, This is kind of funny in a odd way LOL I was talking with my mom about this subject just this afternoon, she told me that Love is a two way street that we need to give and take.
My Mom and Dad have been married 68 years so I do think she knows what she is talking about HEHE
I do want you to know that she said also said a lot of the same things you have talked about here as well..
Great Share, Thanks Chery :))
Chery,
68 years is a long time. Good for them. If they are happy together then they have worked through some of those boundary issues and position concerns and have found a way to balance their give and take.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Awesome advice Dr.Erica!
First of all, let me just say that i can certainly empathized with anybody that
has and or is currently going through the emotional situation that you’ve described!
And my heart definitely goes out to them. Fulfilling relationships are hard enough, without one person being there for us emotionally!
I know it’s not easy, but if they can’t support me the way i do them, then perhaps it’s best we part ways! But I definitely hear and agree with sound advice!
Thanks for sharing! Because this extremely complex subject can’t be discussed enough!
Mark,
The issues that arise in relationships occur over time. It is a delicate balance of give and take and understanding your needs and the other person’s needs and interests.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica