ARE YOU LIVING A CLEAN AND LOVING LIFE?
- Have you ever heard the words “I love you” with a questioning look in your eyes and the word “Really?” on the tip of your tongue?
- Have you ever attended a social or business networking event where the meeting was supposed to be about connecting and sharing yet you felt someone imposing their wishes upon you, attempting to push you to do something you didn’t want?
- Do you feel bogged down by any part of your life that seems to have happened to you without your full consent and without you having made a clear choice out of passion, interest and desire?
- Are you living a clean life or do you feel it is polluted by your own or other people’s fears, negative thinking, self-centered actions and lack of genuine intimate connection?
SPRING CLEANING IN THE WINTER
NOW is the time to clean up your life, clean up your relationships, clean up your thoughts, and clean up your files. We don’t have to wait until next season, until some goal is reached or until our world feels as if it is crashing in on us. The time to clean up our life is right now.
Scan through your life – your relationships, your finances, your health, your emotions, your hopes and dreams and fears. Ask yourself the right questions.
FIRST, DO NOT ASK “WHY”?
When things are not going the way we want, our first tendency is to ask “Why” this is happening.
- Why am I in this position (financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually, in my relationships)?
- Why won’t he/she do what I ask, help me, care about me, support me…?
- Why doesn’t he/she know me better?
- Why now, why me, why this?
When we ask “Why?” too soon we tend to dwell upon what “is” and we lose sight of what is possible. Our thinking become murky, confusing and unloving. We tend to stir up negative emotions and create a downward spiral in our mind. And we often focus on what others are doing or not doing rather than looking within for all the answers.
FIRST, DO NOT ASK “HOW”?
When things are not going the way we want, our next tendency is to ask “how” we can fix the problem or dilemma. Not yet understanding our own motives, our requests may be manipulative and not purely loving, in other words, not pure and clean. In a relationship, we may want our partner to join us in some activity or even in therapy without allowing our partner to make his or her own decision. We may assume the other person is purposely doing something that hurts us rather than understanding that nobody wants to be coerced or pressured. When we ask “how” too soon, we bypass the self-reflection and the clear understanding of the complex factors operating in our situation.
- How can I make him/her understand what I want, need, and feel?
- How can I make my relationship better, earn more money, pass my exams?
- How can I change my habits – lose weight, sleep better, communicate more clearly?
- How can I get a better job, get more clients, enroll people in my business opportunity, increase my income?
When we ask “how” too soon we tend to get bogged down in thinking about something that we do not yet know how to do. This thinking can easily trigger us to feel emotionally upset, to doubt our abilities, to feel inadequate and to feel like giving up – or – to point a finger and place blame on other people, places and even things. When we ask “how” too soon, our interactions often become confusing and we tend to put pressure on others or on our self. Our motives are often not that pure or clean.
INSTEAD ASK WHAT?
When we ask “what” we tend to focus on the facts. What is actually happening right now? What can we do to remedy the situation, if anything? What skills or training do we need to help us achieve our goals? When we focus on “What” we can more easily keep our emotions steady, allowing our mind to be able to find new possible solutions and strategies.
- What happened?
- What circumstances led to this happening?
- What can I do now?
- What are my current resources and what am I missing?
- What do I need to understand, to learn or to practice?
- What does my partner, friend, business associate, or family member want and need?
- What do I really want, need and desire?
After fully exploring “what” has happened, what we may have contributed and what we can possibly change, then we can start asking “why” this has happened. With less emotional triggers, we may be able to see the situation in a new light. Then, our mind will be more receptive to finding out “how” we change what needs to be changed and what we need to learn to do better.
The next time you find yourself in an unwanted situation, in a state of fear about your future, feeling blocked and unable to take the steps you want to take, frustrated by the behaviors and actions of others, or any other uncomfortable emotional or physical state, notice what questions you ask.
ASK”What”
STOP ASKING “Why” and “How”
Clean up your thinking and your communication by asking “what”. What have I done, what have you done, what can I do differently, what can you do differently and what is the lesson we can both learn from this interaction? Clean up your thinking, your communication and watch the love pouring back and forth between you and the other people in your life.
Are you ready to create CLEAN relationships, CLEAN business strategies, and CLEAN living? Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts and intentions.
CONTACT ME. Together we can help you fix what can be fixed in your relationship and bring back that loving feeling or make new decisions and difficult choices.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica Goodstone
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Hi Erica,
I love your direction. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. When we stay stuck in the question of “WHY?”, all we can usually feel like is a victim. Yet when we shift and ask, “What is the lesson I’m learning?”, an entirely new world opens up. We can ask what is the lesson we are currently learning. Or What is longing to emerge through us? What is happening on our behalf through something>
Rachel,
I love your choice of questions. What is the lesson I’m learning and What is longing to emerge through this?
Those are such productive questions allowing for evaluating the situation without getting emotional. So much easier to find a good solution without the emotional drama.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica,
Great Advice. ASK ”What”, STOP ASKING “Why” and “How”.
If i understand correctly Why and how take us to the past and keep us busy on thinking past happened event. Asking what help us to live into the present and think about the future.
Nice post.
Rohit,
I have begun asking “What” all the time now and my productivity has sky rocketed. I am no longer caught up in wondering how this could happen to me (e.g., a computer problem, malicious code in my php, feeling upset about someone’s attitude or behavior). I am also not asking “Why” which often creates that “poor me” feeling. Instead, I begin by asking “What” – what is happening and what can I do to remedy the situation. Then I may think about HOW I can fix it, what are my choices and resources. Only later, to possibly prevent it from happening again, I will ask Why it happened.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica,
Hope you are well – Really enjoyed this post, you always give such great advice. I love the practicalities of focussing on the what and not the why or the how. It puts a whole different spin on things.
Thanks for sharing and great to visit your blog again,
Beth
Beth,
So nice to hear from you again. I have been asking “what” all the time now and I find myself being much more productive because I just look at the situation, decide what needs to be done, and then I figure out what is the best approach, the path actions to take – and then I just do it.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
When we clean up our thinking we automatically clean up our behavior. While those “why” questions are important for learning not to touch the hot stove again, our immediate response to throw the stove away isn’t a useful answer in the least. 😉
Kimberly,
You are so right. If we attempt to change our behavior without changing our thoughts, the results will not last if they happen at all.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
This is a topic that I really needed to read. I always ask the wrong questions and don’t see the growth that I would hope. I am going to have to remember to ask what, instead of why or how.
Heather,
When you ask “What” there is no emotion involved. It is also not personal. It is about that thing that you want to do or have or get. It is clear. Then you are free to ask, study, learn, practice whatever you have to do in order to get this thing that you want because you are clear about what it is that you want.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hello Dr. Erica:
I love how you narrowed down a difficult topic into such a simple approach — just asking “What…?” Really brilliant!
I can see how that really does enable you to move towards change without spinning your wheels so to speak. Too often the “whys” or “hows” really do tend to get us sidetracked.
I’m definitely going to ask that simple question the next time I need to do some “spring cleaning.”
Thanks for the great tips!
Karen
Karen,
I had a lot of fun with this post because it is so simple and is making such a big difference for me.
I am in the process of creating an affiliate link with JVZoo, something I have never done before. If I was asking “How,” I would probably be embarrassed to ask too many questions because I would not want to look foolish. But by asking “What” I just keep asking for help until the “how” is clearly explained and then I just go and do it. Such a relief.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
WHY can be such a paralyzing question, especially if nothing can be done about it. HOW is very helpful, but as you’ve pointed out, it can be asked too soon, and then it can make things worse rather than better. WHAT takes a step back, and looks at the situation or relationship objectively, thereby opening up new possibilities. I like your priorities.
Willena,
The word that has caught me for years is “How.” I didn’t know how to do so many things online. But that was the wrong questions. I should have been asking “What” – What do I want to do? What do I need to learn or put into place? Then, all that was required was to ask other people how I can get that accomplished. When I asked “How” too soon, I got overwhelmed and felt insecure and then didn’t ask the right people who might have been able to help. Now I focus on What – and it feels so much better.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica,
I love this idea of Winter Cleaning! It’s a good time to sit down with our selves and take stock of what’s going on in our lives that we like an dislike and give it a good clean sweep!
I do find if my mind goes to Why and How (which it usually doesn’t go) I get depressed, anxious, and the critic in my mind lets loose only to make me feel badly. But thankfully I do have a red flag to stop that kind of thinking.
By asking “What” is a great way to be in the moment with a clear mind. It gives us a chance to clean up what we do not need in our lives.
Thanks for once again empowering us.
-Donna
Donna,
I do sometimes catch myself getting caught up in “how” to do something or “why” something I don’t want is happening or why I can’t do something. But then I just stop and go do something else, like head for my health club, get a good workout, and return a few hours later with a different mindset. When I ask “What.” my mind is clear and I can think about different alternatives and choices.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Going to your health club always seems to make you feel alive! It is a good reminder for me to get back into the swing of things and start exercising again.
It’s been a crazy winter here, and I do go out in between snow storms so I’ve slowed up a bit.
But I do find doing an enjoyable task can rid anxiety and everything else in my mind.
This way I can reach more clarity.
Thanks!
-Donna
Donnak,
Sometimes cooking, at times even cleaning, can clear my mind so I can once again be creative.
Exercise seems to really help. And then, once in awhile, a glass of wine is soothing.
We have to find ways to relax and let go of stress, especially when intensely focused on building a business.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erica, great subject!
My life is not filled with such wandering thoughts as to what, how and why. I make it a practice to write things down on a paper. Look and make adjustments as to where I want to go in every area in my life.
The hows manifest themselves at the right time during my growth. The what has been visualized then written. The why is based on my desire to help this person or myself in various areas.
I do not wonder why others people make choices including my wife of 21 years. We share our perceptions and most times never agree. Yet the wanting to accomplish the same end results. That is the only thing that matters. She will support here choice ways and me with mine. Together, we make it worthwhile and experience activities that combined with such amazing results. That is it.
Thanks Dr. Erica for reminding me that our choices are just that, ours. No matter we have to believe in our steps and make adjustments on the way. I would never not make a choice based on someone else feelings. They throw us off the focused end result. Everything I felt uncomfortable was the first steps. I never felt good about any choices even though the end results are amazing for all. That is what I choose to do and it works good for all parties.
Thought I share this method and pray it would get a response from you.
William,
I have made the mistake of stopping myself from doing something I really wanted to do because of other people, at times. I no longer do that. And when you say “I felt uncomfortable was the first steps,” that is exactly what I have experienced. When I feels so uncomfortable and unsure it is because I am tackling something new and unfamiliar and it is a normal reaction to feel unsure. Instead of pounding my brain with questions of “why” can’t I do this or “how” can I do it, I am finally just asking “what” needs to be done. And then I can start asking for help.
A good current example was that I was seeing tiny little flies in the bathroom. I had no idea where they were coming from. But I kept asking, “What is going on? Where are they coming from?” And then at my health club I told another lady about these flies. She had once had “poop flies” coming from her toilet which had a broken seal. So I then realized they may be coming from a drain source. Fortunately, they were not coming from the toilet but it seems they came from the drain in my jacuzzi which I had not used in many months. It needed to be flushed out. By not getting upset and casually asking about what’s going on, somebody gave me the answer I needed to resolve the problem.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
You have created a new way of thinking in my mind. There are many times when I have asked the why and how questions and I always end up just going round and round without coming out with any reasonable answers. Thank you for coming up with the What.
Siphosith,
Especially with internet and computer issues, I have often been stopped by asking “How” before I had any idea of what I wanted and needed to do. And they I would ask “Why” am I having so much trouble. So the next step would be to take another training and then again, I would ask how and why, often going in circles.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica. I guess I never thought of clean living in terms of relationships. I pretty much try to live by the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and I try to avoid toxic people as much as possible. But I really like the word ‘how’ in this context. It implies action, that we can do something to help ourselves instead of just wallowing in self-pity. Thanks for an insightful post.
All the best,
Leslie
Leslie,
The first question to ask is “What” – What happened, what can be done about it? After that, asking “How” can be very helpful to find your best way to proceed. Asking “Why” too soon can get you caught up in looking at the past and feeling various emotions, rather than focusing on taking the next action steps.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Wow Dr.Erica!
First of all, I really love your suggestion of spring cleaning during the winter! That’s just too awesome!
And now learning that going forward, I need to be asking “what” not how or why!
That’s really powerful and absolutely has opened up a whole new previously unexplored train of thought! Thank so much for sharing such a powerful insight!
Mark,
Now when I slip back into asking why or how, I ask again by changing to “What can I do now.” It becomes so much easier to think clearly then.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hey Erica, I’ve never looked at it that way. But so powerful: ASK”What”,
STOP ASKING “Why” and “How”. Thanks for posting this.
Andrea,
I discovered this simple new way of approaching life issues and it has been serving me really well. Very quickly I can get to the heart of the matter and take appropriate actions rather than dwelling on all those emotional concerns that can hold me back.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Good Morning Dr Erica! You certainly have brought up some very good points. When something goes wrong I guess my first questions are always WHY? What a great way to turn things around and focus on the what “The Facts” Love this.
Have a Blessed Day & Thanks for sharing..
Chery :))
Chery,
You are certainly a mover and a shaker so a little tweak in the questions asked can help even more.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica, that sounds much better – to think about the “what” rather than why or how! It makes it easier to focus on solutions, instead of problems, and take out the emotional part. Someone close to me in my family has been going through a lot of ordeals lately, and hubby and I have been trying to help. When I think about “the what” in regard to the situation, it DOES make it easier to find solutions. Thank you.
Julieanne,
I recently discovered the power of asking “what” instead of why. That has helped me to just get started with a project I have been avoiding. Asking “why” can get you caught up in having to find the “cause” and to delve deeply into all sorts of things that may not really matter. When I ask “what” it is so much easier to find a solution and take action.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica,
Loved this post! I love knowing that I can learn how to change my lifem my deeply embedded beliefs, focus on the facts, and adopt new patterns that have the power to lead me to stronger relationships, a more fulfilling business and a happier life.
Rachel,
It really helps me to stay focused on the facts, on what is happening – not on why it happened or how I let it happen.
When I remain focused, I often find a quick solution that might have been blocked without clear thinking.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Very insightful post Dr Erica
There are so many take-a- ways but I love the following two points really impacted the way I look at situations
1- When we ask“Why?” too soon we tend to dwell upon what “is” and we lose sight of what is possible.
2 Stop asking “Why & How” and ask “what”
Cheers
Vivette
Vivette,
I find when I just keep asking “What” – What is happening and What can I do about it – that takes away much of the emotional upset and allows me to focus on taking appropriate actions.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
I absolutely love what you do Dr. Erica! I myself love to help others that are in need of spiritual enlightenment or guidance to self heal. All it takes is love and a little peace.
When negative things come into our lives we should not fear or give up, but we should observe it and find a way to turn it into positive energy:)
It is not always easy to deal with situations that you feel you are being forced into doing without your own consent. But sometimes we need to learn something from those situations as if it were meant to happen for a reason.
Thank you for sharing this blog it is very insightful!
Victoria,
Thanks for your kind words. Often we are partially responsible for the things, both good and not so good, that happen in our life. The more we can approach each situation with love and acceptance, asking what happened and seeking ways to make it better, the more peaceful and happy our life becomes. We can’t always improve a situation immediately but it is essential to be true to our self and to express our truth when we can. People do hear us and they learn, even if it may take much longer than expected.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
I always appreciate when people have practical insights into relationships. I have been married for over 11 years but still can’t claim to have any real expertise about relationships. I’m not particularly into self-evaluation and checklists, but I find that selflessness and open communication are indispensable in long-lasting relationships.
Zach,
I don’t like to use checklists or scripts for communication. What I prefer is a simple way to communicate that brings out the best in both of us. When we ask “Why” are you doing this or “How” can you do this, the other person often feels criticized, judged or even attacked. That is why it is good to think about asking instead “What” happened, What can we do to remedy the situation? It seems that you are doing something right in your marriage if you are allowing open communication and “selflessness.”
Warmly,
Dr. Erica