- Does creating a loving relationship feel like a monumental task?
- Are you trying harder and harder with less and less satisfaction?
- Did you think that life would be so much easier if only you had a partner?
- Have you actually given up on finding love or doing what it takes?
Even though you may feel as if finding and connecting with someone to love is a monumental task. And even though you may be struggling every day to create and recreate passion and excitement in your current relationship. And even though you may not know what to do to create a loving relationship. Love and loving relationships are forgiving. Yes, they may take time and energy. Yes, they do require commitment. But the essence of love is acceptance and forgiveness, not momentary glory and intensely stressful competition.
If you have been watching the Olympics, as I have, then you may be awed and impressed by the level of commitment, degree of danger, and amount of composure under pressure that Olympic athletes must endure. The Gold Medal ice dancing champions, Meryl Davis and Charlie White, spent 17 YEARS working together, practicing their techniques, timing and joint precision. This one moment of glory and excellence has catapulted them into the limelight and will literally transform their lives. Suddenly they are celebrities with all the recognition and advantages society provides. And the winning margin is so small that even one small mishap would have changed the outcome of this event.
Relationships are Forgiving
Relationships, on the other hand, are so much more forgiving. We give the ones we love many chances, over and over again, to change an unwanted behavior, to show us that they really care, and to join us in our quest for love. Even after we think we have given up, if the one we love suddenly does “the right thing that touches our heart,” we are ready to forgive and maybe even forget.
Dr. Helen Fisher has done years of research to discover why and how we fall in love and what makes love last. Turns out, it appears to be a chemical and genetic process. Intense attraction stimulates one part of the brain, desire to bond triggers another part of the brain, and the choice to remain in a long term committed relationship affects another part of the brain. When we fall madly in love, brain scans reveal that the same part of the brain is activated as when we have a chemical addiction. Taking anti-depressant and other prescription drugs that increase serotonin level while decreasing dopamine may actually cause a person to feel they no longer love their partner of many years. That loving feeling may be lost when our dopamine level is low. Romantic love elevates and is elevated by our dopamine levels. And interesting discovery Dr. Fisher made was that people who are in new romantic relationships, although they feel all that delicious excitement of lust and love, they tend to also feel a certain amount of anxiety. However, those who have remained in love throughout years together may feel those same delightful feelings along with a sense of calm and ease.
Creating a loving relationship is always a work in progress, not a one time event. We may be the star in our love relationship during the courtship period and fail miserably as time goes by. Our relationships are bombarded by so many outside influences and internal thoughts, emotions and sensations. And we cannot always do it all alone.
Let Me Help You Create Love That Lasts.
Hire Me to Speak at Your Next Event
Warmly,
Dr. Erica Goodstone
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Hello Dr. Erica,
Everything you mentioned in this post in my opinion is very true! In life when it comes to goal setting, creating relationships and even building a business, these things take time… Everything takes time!
It’s about the journey, the experiences, risks we take and failures we face… The journey is what molds us!
Thanks for the great post/article!
Nathan,
It really helps to realize this truth, that everything worthwhile does take time and there are struggles and ups and downs along the way. And that makes reaching our goals so much sweeter.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica…seems what you share is applicable for any relationship not just a ‘love one’ – communication and when that breakdowns getting in help is so sensible or else you are stuck not going anywhere fast or at all…
Sarupa,
All relationships require ongoing communicating and caring and attention. That is why we need to choose our friends and business associates wisely.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Dr. Erica Goodstone,
It’s really wonderful experience to visit on your this great Blog ! I’m feeling really good to visit here! Well “A Loving Relationship is NOT an Olympic Event” This is really seriously for all love couples those don’t be faithful for their partner! They should well understand Relationship where you all have to win !
Disha,
Relationships do require caring and paying attention to each other, rather than seeking what you need from someone or something outside the relationship.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
If both partners are invested in the relationship and want it to work, then they become a team. I love Sherman’s analogy of Salsa dancing …. when one partner though is not invested, well then it becomes challenging … great post
Lesly,
So true. When only one person seems to want to make the relationship work, then that person has a big decision to make. What are the benefits of staying, what do I believe is possible to improve in the relationship and what would it take for me to decide to leave.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hey Dr. Erica,
Since I started salsa dancing, I have a tendacy to use partner dancing as an analogy for relationship building.. I believe partner dancing is a great example of how to build and hold a strong connection with your other half.
In salsa dancing, it’s up to each partner to connect to the music themselves. If they don’t, then it’ll be hard to have a strong connection to where the both of you dance as one with a flow of ease.
This is much like a relationship… you must be well aligned with who you are before you can get into a relationship with someone. When each person within the relationship are well aligned with each other, then it’s easier to build a long lasting, great relationship as oppose to if you aren’t. This may be easier said than done, but then again, a lot of people just don’t want to do this. They rather find someone that will “fill the gaps” of what they’re missing.
So in this case, you don’t have to make it an Olympic event as in the title!
Thanks for the share Dr. Erica!
Sherman,
Dancing is a wonderful example of how to relate to another person.
One of my Kindle books is called “The Delicate Dance of Love” because it IS truly a delicate dance. When we love and accept our self and feel our own joy and passion in life, then we can much more easily create a marvelous relationship with another person.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Excellent post Erica and relationships are a bit like what we have to do with our online marketing. You have to work really hard at it to make it work !! I suppose you could say I had the Shiny Object Syndrome through my life as I married four times but there is only so much you can forgive but at least my home business is a lot easier. If I make mistakes with that then I only have myself to answer for. Thanks for sharing.
Merle,
In my webinars and trainings I talk about the 3 causes of all relationship problems. The first one is not knowing yourself well and the other is not knowing the other person well. My sense, if you have been married 4 times, is that you did not really evaluate your own needs and desires for your daily life and your future and you did not really evaluate each of these partners before getting involved. But none of it is wasted. It is all part of the learning experience which has brought you to where you are now.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Yes I know I have always been a bit impulsive in jumping into things but at least everything is good now, working at home and online 🙂
Merle,
Glad to hear that everything is working well for you now.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Once we understand that you are responsible and only can change you period. Your other half or spouse is responsible and can only change them.
You both are in love which has so many levels it is mind-blowing and overwhelming if you over analyze it. Keeping it simple as love is never changed.
When you disagree that is what life is all about no matter what. There is nothing that says anyone should agree just based on love. The world would be more crazy then. It is healthy to interact with your loved one and have different sides. Yes, during my 19 years we most likely agreed several times yet that is what makes us healthy and strong. If she agrees with everything then I would loose interest in communication and seek it else where?
Thank you Dr. Erica for opening our eyes to possibilities and understanding with this emotion, love.
William,
You are one of the fortunate people to have found a person to love and share your life with, through the ups and downs. Many people give up, I believe too soon, while others try but the partner has given up. It does take 2 people to make the commitment to follow the course of love together.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
I think relationships are a bit like a long cross country run, where you need stamina and will experience many different places and personal feelings,both physical and emotional along the way.
It is fascinating how some people make it together, and interestingly a lot of those are second marriages. As you point out Dr Erica, there are so many factors affecting a relationship, even before thought and communication come into it – chemical reactions in the body, and outside influences and circumstances that I’m surprised anyone can have a happy one!
However, that’s where the magic comes in – and the chemistry and bonding of shared experiences – some people can survive extraordinary events in their lives.
I am fascinated by love and relationships. Love is both marvellous and mysterious, and as you say, forgiving and it seems a fulfilling relationship must be crafted together.
Beautiful, thanks
Jacs
Jacs,
I like your description of a cross-country run where you experience many different places and feelings. And like you said, you do need stamina to get through the difficult times (disagreements, illness, outside attractions, business problems and financial success, etc.).
Love can and often does override whatever temporary upsets and distractions occur.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Seems ,I can handle it right,
I am married 47 years and sometimes it was not easy,
but I had not a boring life ,we had a lot of changes and up and downs.
I think it needs patients,forgiving and to accept your partner how he is.
Erika,
You are so right. It does require patience and accepting life’s ups and downs and allowing the other person to be who they are. Not easy but well worth it.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Eh, this is right on time. In fact Im on a roll in finding some great tidbits to push me through my circumstances which right now is building relationships and conversation.
Theirs no doubt Im to mechanical with it, forgetting how fragile and loose it really should be.
Gd one 🙂
Hi,
Yes, relationships require knowledge, understanding, patience, caring and time – time to understand how each can benefit the other. Relationships require give and take over time.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Thanks for such an interesting article. I didn’t know about the different sections of the brain being affected in different ways. I have been married for 40 years. There have been so many challenges on different levels, bit it is still a work in progress. Thanks again Erica.
Liz,
40 years! Impressive. Only you know how many trials and issues you have had to overcome. Many people give up on relationships that may have been worth saving, especially as our needs and desires change with age.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
If only all relationships could have 17 years of dedicated practice, we might not have so many problems! But as you point out, they are all a work in progress. I think that anyone in any relationship is practicing every day. If we ever get to the point of thinking we know it all, we will be in trouble. Thanks for the great post.
Many people do not understand that relationships are a continual work in progress. We expect the partner to either stay exactly as they were when we first connected or from the start we want and expect them to change to fit our own idea of perfection. And if they do make those changes to please us, we are often not pleased but bored – and we start expecting something more.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Mary,
Actually I think many people are not practicing at all within a relationship. Many people have not done enough self-exploration so it appears that the other person is the cause of their problems. They may feel stuck, bored, angry, frustrated and it is so easy to blame it all on the partner. But those who focus on healing from within take the pressure off the partner and allow the relationship to have breathing room to grow.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hello Dr. Erica,
Ah yes, everything you mentioned in this post is very true! You know when I look at everything in life when it comes to goal setting, creating relationships and even building a business. Everything takes time. I know we all want the winning lottery numbers and be done with it, but the truth be told, it’s a process.
As the saying goes, “Rome wasn’t built in day”. When you apply that to anything in life, it’s all relative!
Thanks for the great post!
Nate,
The key to success is setting your intentions, focusing on the goals, discovering what steps you need to take, finding a mentor, getting support, and taking consistent action over time. There is no quick and easy path. But we can enjoy the process along the way – in building a business or in creating a relationship.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Nate,
Not only do we not reach our goals in one day, our goals and dreams are not necessarily what matters most. What really matters is the process, enjoying the moment to moment learning, progression, overcoming of obstacles, realizations, connections along the way toward our ultimate goals. Once we actually achieve our long-sought- after goal, if we have neglected those moments leading up to it and the people connections, we may feel a huge letdown, thinking “Is that all there is?”
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Dr. Erica,
Thank you for such an insightful article about love and the process that makes it happen for us. It is very interesting to know that it is a chemical process triggered by hormones and how it affects how we feel about each other.
Thank you for shedding some light on this process and helping us understand the impact of medications on intimacy and feelings of love. Enjoyed being here and learning from you.
Regards,
Kumar
Kumar,
Our reactions and responses are not all coming from our conscious mind. In fact, so much of what we do is triggered by hormones, emotions and deep seated memories triggered by something familiar in our current experiences. That is why people are so fascinating to work with – in any capacity.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Kumar,
Yes, in many ways we are like these marvelous, intricate machines. We have hormones flowing through out bodies. We consist of waves of energy that is flowing or blocked. And we have a mind that interprets everything, being influenced by the specific hormones excreted. And we are also something more, something spiritual, something connected to the energy of the universe.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Having been married now for almost 29 years.. I can attest to the fact that it isn’t all fun and games … or roses and sunshine.. It takes work. Sometimes it’s tough to say I forgive. It’s looking at what one does and how I can be, not about what the other is doing.. There are moments when things are miraculous and there are moments when they are certainly the other end of miraculous… Truly a work in progress!!
Holly,
The thing about a long term relationship is that there is not escape from the problems and from seeing each other as we really are – great qualities and not so great traits. But in the end, we have each other’s back, we are there for each other when it really counts.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Holly,
All relationships are a work in progress. Whatever the relationship is like at the beginning will definitely change and morph into something else. And it is a continuous exchange, sometimes difficult and sometimes wonderful.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Erica, thanks so much for this article. I am in complete agreement that a real relationship takes work and that that work cannot be done in short periods of time. It takes dedication.
After my marriage failing last year and maturing a great deal, I am back to where I was PRIOR to marriage – happily single. It takes so much work to make a marriage work, and when it fails despite all your work and desire to see it last, it’s tough to make a decision to ever try again. I don’t mean to be a downer on such a beautiful post, but I guarantee that I will not marry again. Once was enough work…but I DO admire those who make the decision to put their hearts in the hands of one person for the rest of their lives.
That takes courage, as you wrote…courage I don’t have anymore. It pains me to admit that.
I really like your writing style and am so glad that I came here to read, today. I’ll be back!
Christi,
I appreciate your honesty and I am sorry you had to go through the emotional pain of divorce. It is a huge loss – loss of the dream, loss of the good times together, loss of your belief in the power of love to overcome all obstacles. The world is not an easy place to navigate. Being single and free affords you the ability to choose to do whatever you want, spend time with whoever you choose, think as your please and spend your money and energy in any way you decide. However, we are social beings. And when we connect with someone who brings us joy, when it feels better and more enlivening to be with the other person than to be alone, then often the choice is to take another chance on love. Enjoy the freedom you have now. Who knows what the future may bring?
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Christi,
I appreciate your complete honesty about the way you feel at this time. You have certainly worked hard at something that did not end in the outcome you desired. However, this happens in business all the time – and in dating. Marriage is no different. It takes work and it also brings up all of our insecurities, losses, doubts and unfulfilled dreams. Sometimes it is only after we make the commitment to be with one person that we realize what we really want and need – and that may not involve this person. The real problem is that we cannot know in advance whether or not this relationship will last. It is only once we are in it that the truth reveals itself. Who knows how you may feel one day if you meet a really special man who proves himself to you before you become committed.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica,
I enjoyed reading your article. Somehow it felt like it took me back when my husband and I first met and the ups and downs we had through our short time together.
I never had a partner who worked with me and (us) like he did. I miss him terribly.
Monna
Monna,
You were truly blessed to finally meet such a wonderful man and I am sad to hear that it lasted for such a short period of time. However, that certainly has given you so much to write about and share with others. Just realize you were fortunate to have experienced such completely satisfying love.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
While I agree that SSRI’s can dull emotions, do you think that the depression they are prescribed for can have a worse impact on relationships because of low mood and subsequent thinking patterns and behavior? I am talking here of real clinical depression and anxiety conditions where the drugs are really needed rather than cases where other therapy or other medication is more appropriate.
In my case it was an anxiety condition that sometimes got really bad and resulted in depression. . My attempts to cope without the proper medical help made things worse. My marriage did not survive.
I am forever grateful to the man that came into my life soon after who accepted me despite my problems. He put in much time and effort to make sure I got the help I needed. In my case SSRI’s did not work on their own but an NSRI had an almost miraculous effect.. It seems that I have a problem regulating noreadrenaline. What with the drug and therapy to correct what had over the years become negative thinking I am a changed person. I am calm and content with life and in a 12 year loving relationship with the man who stood by me during the hardest time in my life.
Sue,
You are talking about something so important that many MD’s and psychiatrists fail to recognize. Any type of medication is not a one-size fits all, for emotional issues as well as physical ailments. And research has found that a combination of counseling plus medication can be the most powerfully effective remedy.
So glad you discovered the combination that worked for you as well as finding a partner that was willing to assist you and stay by your side. You are truly blessed. And you have so much valuable information to provide for others that you need to have a clear and calm personal outlook.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hello Dr Erica! This was a great article and one I think more people in this world need to read. relationships do take work and if your partner does something you disagree with if you care then you will forgive.
This is the way it is supposed to work anyways LOL It is always a nice change to visit your blog not what I usually read about. Thanks for sharing my friend, Chery :))
Chery,
I think many people think they are trying out for some huge event, that they have to prove that they are better than anyone else, that they have one chance and it is over. But the truth is, relationships develop over time, mistakes can very often be forgiven and even forgotten, depending upon the severity of it. And it does take continual attention to keep it alive and vibrant.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Oh how true! Relationships is an on going process. We change, things around us change. I do believe that communication is the key to a long lasting relationship.
Whatever might be going “wrong” as long as our partner can rationally discuss it with us, we are OK. I can only speak from experience here.
Because this is my third marriage and one that lasted 23 years and going, I look back and see the “mistakes” I’ve made in choosing my other husbands. Why did they go wrong? I can write a book. But I can take responsibility to understand myself and why I made the choices I did in the past.
My current marriage is built on such a strong foundation. We overcame so many obstacles in our lives by communication and compassion.
I’ll get off my soap box now!
-Donna
Donna,
“Whatever might be going “wrong” as long as our partner can rationally discuss it with us, we are OK.” Many people are in relationships in which one person does not easily communicate, one person either shuts down or gets depressed and upset or gets angry. When the communication breaks down, it is time to seek counseling for yourself, if the other person will not participate with you. Then there are choices to be made.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica