Where There Is Love There IS A Way. I have discovered that love is the answer to any question and the solution to any problem. When we see a person who is thinking and behaving in an unloving, hurtful or destructive way, we can be sure that this person does not feel loved, at least in that moment.
If we feel that others love us and if we also feel that we are lovable and deserve to be loved, we cannot and will not be able to purposely hurt others. When we feel loved, we become generous and want to share our love. It really is that simple. I would venture to say that most addicts do not feel loved and do not feel worthy of being loved.
Although most people do have some addictive habits they cannot control, our society labels certain people as addicts and the rest of us just slip through the cracks with our habits intact. Once a person has been labeled an addict, it is very easy for that person to feel different and even less significant or worthy than others. People who overdose on drugs or alcohol, abuse food or sex or money or their body in such a way that they are harming them self or others, require more love than most of us imagine. And yet they may push away the very love that is offered to them.
What does it take to heal from low self esteem, accept yourself after experiencing an abusive relationship or recover from a debilitating addiction?
I believe the answer is always love. But love is not what we usually imagine love to be. It is not self-serving. It is not “tough love” and it is not merely “supportive love.” Love, in the words of the ancient poet Kahlil Gibran, is more complex, more difficult and more painful than most of us are willing to endure. Here are just a few of his words about love.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he
descend to your roots and shake them in their
clinging to the earth.
~Kahlil Gibran
I will be speaking at The Delray Beach Chamber of Commerce about this important topic – Love, Touch, Sex and Recovery. What does it really take to heal?
What do YOU think is the best way to heal from abuse, emotional pain, low self-esteem and/or addiction? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
CONTACT ME. I will provide the support YOU need to feel and share your love.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica Goodstone
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Hi Dr. Erica.
I do agree with you that when there is love there is a way! So true. Love is the foundation.
You asked what is the best way to heal from abuse, emotional pain, low self-esteem and/or addiction. Well, I definitely think it has to do with understanding what drove you to that “place” to begin with. I also think it has something to do with learning how to love yourself and surrounding yourself with people who can support and love you as well. Finally, I think the will and determination to heal and change is important. If the motivation is not there, it won’t happen.
Karen
Karen,
Healing from abuse is often a long term process. Just wanting to heal is not enough. The feelings can be suppressed for a long time and when they are pried open the person is not always ready to do what is needed to finally be able to have closure and a sense of peace. You are right, supportive people can make a huge difference. And having a real purpose, something you truly want that makes you willing to go through the pain, to relive the pain, and finally be able to let it go.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Thanks for sharing on the topic of love. As humans we all need love and we have love to share with others and without that reciprocity we feel incomplete, and many times this leads to so many other issues in our lives. As you say love is a solution to any problem.
Siphosith,
In order for most of us to sustain a feeling of love, we require some reciprocity. It is so difficult to continue loving someone who doesn’t provide that in at least some way.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Thanks for sharing your profound insights Dr. Erica!
Isn’t it amazing just how many of life’s negatives could be overcome, simply by more love!
You mention certain addictive or self destructive behaviors towards self and others, actually being tracked back to a total lack of self love.
It’s sad to think of how many people whose lives may have turned out completed different, had they of been loved more! Thanks so much for sharing such an incredibly powerful message!
Mark,
When we are with an adult, most of us assume that the person is purposely behaving in some negative way. The reason often stems back to childhood and that sense of low self-esteem can remain for a lifetime without some consistent reparative counseling.
Sincerely,
Dr. Erica
So it sounds like you agree with the Beatles: All you need is love.
I don’t think that conclusion is a very big leap from what we understand of human behavior.
The big question is what it takes to feel love our to convey love. That is undoubtedly different for every person. Answer that question, and you’ve really struck gold.
Zach,
I believe the key to accessing the love within is self-reflection, “with a little help from my friends” and maybe a therapist or two. The Beatles really did provide some answers to life’s questions.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
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Hi Erica,
Of course, I do not have your experience but I do believe that the root of low self-esteem is translating key events and situations in life into unproductive beliefs and associations–something happened or someone said something that caused one to feel poorly about self and the self-image took a hit. So, completing the past is a step toward healing the self-esteem… discovering the origins of the diminished self-esteem…re-interpret any traumatic experiences in a way that supports you to see yourself differently and begin the healing process.
All transformation begins with the courage to explore and examine those beliefs that do not support us. We can then reinterpret how we see ourselves, others, and the world from a new perspective marked by compassion, understanding, and hope.
That’s my two cents 🙂
Rachel,
You said something so important. All healing starts with the “courage” to face our beliefs and then to realize that these are just beliefs and CAN be changed with effort, decision and practice.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica,
Love your article
and totally agree with you,
love is the answer to any question
and the solution to any problem
Emi,
And we have to remember to always love our own self first.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Just before I went through a period of chronic anxiety and subsequent depression, about 15 years ago, I had started a relationship with someone. He helped me with tasks that I found impossible to do while making sure I did more and more. He’d pull me from the chair that I felt rooted to to go for walks twice a day. He drove me to therapist appointments and therapy group classes. No excuses allowed. He showed he cared, never criticized but always encouraged and didn’t give up on me. We are still together and I recovered, stronger than ever.
Sue,
What a beautiful story with a happy ending. Love does really work, but it is not easy and requires a lot of patience. I am so glad you came through that and are here now to help so many others with your amazing knowledge and skills.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erika,
First let me congratulate you on your speaking engagement! Love is such a complex situation if one of the people have an addiction. I was in a relationship like that. I supported my ex husband in so many ways. When he was off of drugs, I purchased an easel and paints for him. He is a true artist. I told him that I would carry the financial load while he relaxes and bring out his feelings through painting. That is one example. It was a eight year journey and I did just about everything one could possibly do.
He was emotionally abusive, we couldn’t work that out. But then the physical abuse started and I had to end the relationship.
There is a fine line of support and commitment. But when it comes to emotional and physical harm….it does have to end. Even though all the counseling he “tried” to do didn’t work!
To this day, many years later, he is still the same person, but with many illnesses. Although he is my ex, I still stand by his side if he needs to go to the hospital.
So, you see, Love is still there, but in a different way.
-Donna
Donna,
Yes, a person with an addiction is very hard to love and loving that person does not mean that you need to stand by and allow them to abuse you. However, what some people call tough love does not work either. You do not want to abandon a person with such a sickness, because it IS a sickness. Brain scans have shown deficits in parts of the brain and even after decades of sobriety, they can easily slip back into the addiction if they do not surround them self with adequate support.
You are very special and your ex was certainly lucky to have you in his corner. However, imagine what it must feel like to be so creative, to love a woman and to become so incapacitated in front of her. That is why he had to lash out at you and try to bring you down because he felt so bad about himself. The whole thing is so sad. I am glad you chose to honor yourself and create a happy life away from that situation. And now you are able to provide love from a distance and perhaps in an emergency because you are operating from strength.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica