Are You Ready To Love?
When I work with couples, one of them inevitably exclaims: “I love him” or “I love her”?
We cannot argue with a feeling. These people “feel” love. They find certain qualities of the other person appealing and worth loving. Often they “feel” a strong sexual attraction. Sometimes they “feel” comfortable, even content, because they “feel” as if they belong, they are home, they are secure with this other person. Some feel that they can just relax and just be, no longer needing to do anything to “prove” their love. “Isn’t it enough that I say I love you?” “I’m still with you. Isn’t that proof enough that I love you?”
Hmm! So familiar and so unsatisfying. If you have been in a relationship with an intimate partner, or even a so-called close friend, and the other person “feels” that they no longer have to make any effort to show their love, express their concern or remind you how much they appreciate and value you, is that really “love”?
Love is a Feeling and an Emotion.
Love is the most wonderfully expansive feeling that exists. When we love, the whole world is beautiful. Our immediate environment, the weather, our finances – nothing seems so important and no problems seem insurmountable. When we love, life is a glorious adventure to be lived.
However, if we keep that loving feeling inside our own mind, if we don’t continue to share that love with others, if we don’t remind them often that we do love them, how can they know. Yes, they might feel the loving energy you project. Yes, they might assume that you love them even though you hardly show it. But something is wrong with this picture.
Love is an Action
Love is not just a feeling and an emotion. Love is a behavior, and action. And love is not just one action, one time. Just as we need to be consistent in our studies for a career, in our program to get physically fit or lost weight, we also need to develop a consistent practice of loving behavior. And love definitely takes lots of practice.
No matter how much we claim to “love” another person, inevitably they will disappoint us, annoy us, or even behave toward us in unloving and unacceptable ways. When the other person does not live up to our expectations and does not satisfy our current desires and needs, that is when “love” gets tested. And I can assure you that any relationship we get involved with WILL test our ability to love and sustain loving behavior.
Love is Noun
Love is a noun, a way of being, a way of viewing, and a way of responding – in the moment, every moment. My favorite words, written by Neale Donald Walsh in his powerful book Conversations With God, are: What would love do now?
In every moment of every day ask yourself this question. If I am loving, if I want to show love and be love, what would I do now? But there is a catch here, a trick to the question that has most of us stumped. The first part of the answer has to do with “me”. What would love do now – for ME? Add this extra piece to the love question and it becomes: “If I am loving, if I want to show love and be love, what would I do now FOR ME?
Your immediate response to this might be, “Isn’t that just selfish thinking?” “Isn’t that being too self-centered?” I thought love was about giving to the other person, understanding the other person, and not focusing on myself.
The Key to Love
Now we have arrived at the heart of the matter. We cannot love when we only focus on the other person, giving love to them or receiving love from them. It is not about giving and receiving. Love, to be understood, felt and lived is not about doing, it’s not even about feeling. Love is about BEING – being aware in the moment of how I feel, how I am responding and how the other person’s words or actions or way of being are affecting ME.
Asking the question What would love do now FOR ME? makes the appropriate response so much easier to elicit. If you love another person and want to continue this relationship, then what love might do FOR ME, NOW, would be to not make a big deal out of the current disappointment or dissatisfaction. The most loving thing FOR ME in this moment might be to just listen, attempt to understand, and show appreciation for the other person – because – he or she will remember how good that moment felt and may surprise me at a later date with some loving gesture.
However, if the most loving thing FOR ME is to stop the behavior I do not like or to end the relationship, my response might be very different. I would not just want to listen and pretend to be attentive, when I want to express my lack of tolerance for some behavior or attitude. I might just choose to be quiet and listen but my internal experience will be very different from what might have been an uncontrolled outburst of anger or hurt.
Love is Feeling, Doing and Being
Love is a a feeling, an emotion, a complex set of attitudes and expressions, a set of behaviors and actions as well as a way of being with another person, in the world, in your life. Love is the most powerful force in the universe. Dr. Albert Einstein, in a poignant letter to his daughter, wrote:
I made a simple substitution in my famous equation. If instead of E=mc2, we accept that the energy to heal the world can be obtained through love multiplied the speed of light squared, we arrive at the conclusion that love is the most powerful force there is, because it has no limits.”
LOVE LESSONS FOR THE SOUL
Are you tired of relationship struggles, ups and downs, ins and outs of love?
Would you like to experience the power of your own limitless love?
Join me for a 30 day total immersion into love. Did you know that it takes about 30 days to develop a new habit? Of course, after that we need to practice the skills we have learned to help that habit become a permanent lifestyle choice. In 30 days you will finally understand what love IS, what love IS NOT, in which ways you express love and how you interfere with, sabotage or even block love (consciously or unconsciously).
There is so much to know about love. Love IS our natural way of being. Observe any baby or your beloved house pet. But life, family, circumstances, experiences and all the people we meet or know from a distance, all this and so much more affects, alters and influences the way we give love, receive love, behave in love and respond in love.
SPECIAL 30 DAY LOVE COURSE COMING SOON!
Contact Me for a healing love consultation.
Learn how to love so that you can create or re-create your own loving relationship.
Get on the Early List for Love Lessons for The Soul (formerly the 30 Day Love Challenge) which will start soon.
In the meantime….
READ A LOVING AND HEALING BOOK
LISTEN TO AN INSPIRATIONAL RADIO SHOW
LEARN HOW TO HEAL THROUGH LOVE
GO DEEPER INTO HEALING THROUGH LOVE
Let this be YOUR TIME TO CREATE LOVE AND PASSION AND INTIMACY
With love and caring,
Dr. Erica Goodstone
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Love Vs Hate How Much Love Can We Share To Eliminate Hate? - July 23, 2022
Hi Erica. My favorite scripture is from the Book of Mormon. We believe that the word ‘charity’ means Christ-like love. “And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. [Moroni 7:45]
If everyone loved like this, the world would be a better place, and couples would learn how to better love one another.
DeeDee,
Yes, charity is about giving without thought of immediate reciprocity. It is being willing to suffer as you know you are providing a valuable service to others. In our society, we tend to want proof that we will benefit in a tangible way for giving. But true charity is not done to achieve any benefit for your own ego. It is given in a state of benevolent service to humanity.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Dr Erika
wow, Interesting topic, Thank’s For The Awesome Post, Great Writing,
Keep Sharing,
Have a Nice Day Ahead,
Hi Dr Erika
You have said it all. Love is an action and it is about giving. When we learn to love ourselves, I guess it is easy to love others and also, we should never assume that we don’t need go show others how much we care.
Thanks so much and thumbs up for this post.
Ikechi,
I am learning to tell people whatever it is that I appreciate about them. And, I am telling people much more often what bothers me so that we have a clear understanding together. Love is not always all positive. It is the tone and attitude with which you speak and interact with others.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
This post really hit home for me, Erica!
I thought back to when I met my first husband, the love of my life. We were just 17. It seems so long ago!
He was not brought up saying or showing love. His parents would buy their children things, rather than giving a hug or saying, “I love you.” When we got married, we made a vow to not be that way with our children. And, today, we always say, “I love you.” I see a big difference in children that know they are loved and are told they are loved, rather than just being raised to just take for granted they are loved.
My latest blog post is about the “Never-ending Spirit of Love” that I shared with my husband.
This is perfect, right before Valentine’s Day! Thank you for putting this together. I’m bookmarking it to really let it all sink in.
Deborah
Deborah,
I am so excited that you wrote a post called the Never-Ending Spirit of Love – and I see it’s a poem.
I will surely stop at your web site to read it.
Yes, we need to reminded all the times that we are loved, that we are valuable and worthwhile. It is so easy to get caught up in comparing our self to others, especially celebrities, people who appear to have it all, and people we admire. The problem comes when we judge our self as “less” in some way. We have to remember that all of us need to be reminded that we are loved and lovable.
Warmly,
Erica
Years ago in my twenties, I thought if I showed you it would be obvious that I loved you but then one day a person let me know that being nice doesn’t necessarily mean you love a person and that some people need to hear it. To those I love I end calls with I love you, I text often I love you and I never worry about getting one back. I just feel good knowing that I may have made someone’s day even if it was a reminder for them to contact someone else and say I love you. Thanks, Dr. Erica this was great to read. When I was younger you didn’t hear those words in my house. I mean I don’t count “If I didn’t love you I would break your fucking neck.” LOL, I can laugh now. I taught my children to express love and to be huggers.
Lydia,
Funny how some families only say I love you in a negating way. They may feel the love and don’t show it so that the other person feels valued and appreciated. So glad you have learned to show your love. We need that so much in our lives.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hello Dr Erica, I do show my love but don’t say it enough.. This was a great eye opener for me. I will commit to saying I LOVE YOU More in 2017!! And Yes Meaning It !! XOXO
Awesome post
Thank You For Sharing
Chery :))
Hi Chery,
So simple to just say “I love you” but because it seems so easy we tend to think it isn’t important. But it really brings a warm smile to the recipient and of course, most of the time, there is a boomerang effect and the loving feelings come right back to you.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica