What are YOU Willing to Accept in YOUR Love Relationship?
There are no rights or wrongs for choosing relationships, remaining in relationships or ending them.
COUPLE HAVING AN EMOTIONAL RELATIONSHIP CONFLICT
Sure, there are certain thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors that may improve your chances to create lasting mutual happiness, but nothing is guaranteed. What one person can love and accept in relationship with another person, someone else will be unable to accept with that same person. This phenomenon goes both ways. You may be able to accept something in your partner that he or she just cannot accept in you. Your partner may love you for certain qualities that you possess while you cannot find it in your heart to love them, even for those same qualities.
Each of us has our own love style, love map, love triggers and love detonators.
Intellectually we may believe we can accept anything 
we set our mind to accept but love is not intellectual. Love emerges from the depths of our emotional core. We are triggered by sights and sounds, words and body language, attitudes and behaviors that activate parts of our brain beyond our conscious control.
Counseling can help us to unravel our own inner thought processes but it cannot change our inner workings.
Memories begin from the moment of conception, within the very cells of growing body. Events that occurred while in our mother’s womb, such as stress hormones released into the bloodstream, can have profound effects upon us later in life. Childhood memories that may have developed before we actually had conscious awareness can be re-triggered when we get involved in an intimate relationship with someone with whom we feel attraction, passion and love.
The question is: What should you accept and allow in your relationships?
How do you know when to say “I cannot accept” and either speak up or walk away?
Every relationship creates moments of uncertainty and emotional conflicts. Nobody can decide for us what aspects of a relationship we can or cannot accept, even if the other person’s behavior seems to be blatantly unhealthy.
12 Aspects of a Relationship You Must Accept
To create lasting togetherness and a sense of peaceful safety with one another.
EXCEPT
- Accept The whole person, good and bad, strengths and weaknesses
Except If accepting the other person interferes with accepting yourself fully - Accept That you cannot change another person’s habits, patterns and lifestyle
Except When they are willing and able to make their own decision to change - Accept That the other person has a right to think and behave as they choose
Except When their thoughts and words and behaviors are harmful to you - Accept That they care about and feel close to other people in their life
Except If they are distant and cold toward you yet close and warm with others - Accept That all of us make mistakes, including your partner and your self
Except If you or your partner refuses to admit their mistakes and misbehavior - Accept An apology that is openly and freely given to you
Except If the person repeats the same behavior, apologizing again and again - Accept That everyone has past relationships and behaviors that affect them
Except If they compare you to past partners or bring their past into the present - Accept The other person can’tt read your mind and may not give what you want
Except If you clearly state your needs and you are not heard or acknowledged - Accept Relationships have ups and downs, good times and difficult moments
Except If the downs are increase and the emotional climate grows negative - Accept Appreciate and acknowledge others for who they are
Except If their values are so unacceptable that you must end the relationship - Accept Appreciate and acknowledge yourself for who you are
Except If your thoughts and behaviors must change to get what you want - Accept That you love the other person no matter what they do
Except When how they behave becomes totally unacceptable to you - Accept CONTINUE THIS LIST WITH WHAT YOU CAN AND CAN’T ACCEPT
Except …………………………………………………………………………………
If you are not so fulfilled in your relationships, if you would like to create more love and you just don’t know how, and if you can’t help feeling that there’s something more in life, please do yourself a favor and reach out to someone who can help.
CONTACT ME. Together we can help you fix what can be fixed in your relationship and bring back that loving feeling or make new decisions and difficult choices.
JOIN the IVY LEAGUE LOVE ACADEMY 2 SUMMIT – VIRTUAL AND FREE
Keep checking back to find out more about my upcoming 30 DAY LOVE CHALLENGE.
In the meantime….
Warmly,
Dr. Erica Goodstone
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The list of the 12 aspects of a relationship you must accept sounds about right. I’m guessing this list was take out of opinions from couples who have gone through relationship counselling. Hey, it sure would be a list to definitely share to my cousin who’s facing some tough times with his marriage.
Correy,
Marriage is not easy, even with the best of circumstances. But without some basic foundations of loving behavior and attitudes, the emotional pain and stress can be so intense. I know your cousin will find a way. We all seem to manage eventually. What you can do is to keep reminding him of how much he has to offer, help to build his self-esteem so he can better cope with whatever he is facing.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Thank you for this awesome list. I learnt quite early in pre marriage counselling that you cannot change someone but you can always clearly state what you want and do not want and also that no one is perfect, we make mistakes and forgiveness is very important in a relationship.
Siphosith,
It is wonderful that you went for premarital counseling. So many people don’t learn how to clearly state their needs. Often they use manipulation to make sure they get what they want, regardless of how their partner feels. Many people expect their partner to change to suit their own changing needs and desires. There really is an art to creating a wonderful love relationship.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hello Dr Erica, What a great article! Your Accept and Expect versions are something we all should be working on, I really enjoyed this part.
Great Share. Thank You Chery :))
Chery,
Interesting that you changed the second word. My words were Accept and EXCEPT, meaning there are exceptions that make us not want to accept something that we might generally accept. But what you wrote was Accept and EXPECT, which is also good. We may accept something even though we expected and would prefer something else.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
I actually JUST started a new relationship a few weeks back. One of the things is making sure to establish boundaries early. I’m not a clingy woman and like my independence to some extent. So far, he’s been accepting of it. We’ll see how things go.
I’m going to keep this list close to heart. I’m kind of tired of relationships not working out.
Nile,
Boundaries are so important. Knowing your own needs and making that known can set the relationship on a good path from the start. If the other person cannot comply with your stated wishes, it is so much easier to let go when the relationship is new. If the other person fits into and accepts your lifestyle and needs, then you have a chance to create something wonderful.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Oh gosh I had such a great comment and I went to submit it and poof lol it was gone with an error.
I totally agree with your list. Marriage or relationships for that matter take work. You can’t just stay stagnant and expect it to grow. I agree it is also important to talk about what you can accept before you get into a serious relationship, engagement, marriage, etc.
I always enjoy your posts!
Dr. Erica- Awesome post. I totally agree it is important to decide what you can and will accept. Really it should be a list such as that before a couple decides to get married. I have almost been married for 20 years and after an almost 5 year marriage to my first husband; this one was tough for quite a few years.
Where I am at now with my husband we work towards our relationship every day. I feel that if he can accept me for who I am; I can do the same. Again I love this list and I really enjoy reading your insightful posts!
I remember when Ian and I were dating, I was wondered if the fact that I was a widow would bother him. It isn’t as if I never spoke of Bob, who had passed away only two years before I met Ian. But I soon learned that Ian was secure in our love, and it didn’t bother him at all. Just to illustrate… I was still using the Bible Bob had given me for our wedding, and I asked Ian if he would like me to add my new married name to my former name, embossed on the front cover… and he didn’t see any need for it. So for 25 years of my marriage to Ian, I used my Bible that had my former married name on the front!
Willena,
What a pleasure to be married to a man who is secure in himself and trusts in your love. That makes life so much easier and more peaceful. Unfortunattely, I would venture to say that the vast majority of men and women are not so secure. You would have changed the name or added your new name and maybe you would have felt robbed of that special closeness you have been able to maintain with Bob through that bible. So happy to hear about the sweetness in your marriage.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
The accept/except list is a very clever use of a homonym. It seems like it would have taken some great thought to put it together.
I can accept that my spouse will not always be putting me first, except if she never puts me first.
Zach,
I love it. So true. We don’t need our partner to “always” put us first. Sometimes there are other more pressing priorities, like their own health, business and career issues, family concerns. But if they “never” put us first, that is a problem.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica.
This is such a wonderful way to show how relationships need to be viewed. I like the way you have done this with the words Accept and Expect.
A family member of mine is going through marriage counseling and making some strides. This article will surely help her because I’ve noticed in her behavior that she is Expecting too much and not Accepting her husband’s natural behavior, (which is not abusive … just “normal” in his way.)
I am sure going to send her a link to this because I think it will be a good eye opener for her. She is only making herself miserable by being very close minded.
Thanks so much Erika, this sure came at the right time!
-Donna
Donna,
Isn’t that true how some people make themselves miserable because of their own unfair and unrealistic expectations. They don’t find a way to appreciate what they do have, always wanting something unattainable. Thanks for sharing the article with her.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
I am only trying to comment here as I keep getting an error on a fresh comment.
Oh gosh I had such a great comment and I went to submit it and poof lol it was gone with an error.
I totally agree with your list. Marriage or relationships for that matter take work. You can’t just stay stagnant and expect it to grow. I agree it is also important to talk about what you can accept before you get into a serious relationship, engagement, marriage, etc.
I always enjoy your posts!
Thanks Becky,
Sorry you ran into difficulty when trying to comment. That happens in wordpress sometimes.
It really is important to know the person and their background, their likes and dislikes, and your own,
before getting into a long term and committed relationship.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Nice post on relationship , I really liked it .
Thanks for stopping by Pritam.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
What excellent and extremely practical advice Dr.Erica!
And if we but follow your 12 suggestions, our relationships will most definitely take a giant (and much needed) step forward!
Even if it means, a few of them will have to be ended! Thanks for sharing such sound advice! Hopefully we are wise enough to heed your warnings!
Mark,
I just spoke on a very special Love Expert Panel at the Irresistible Woman Seminar. What I was reminded of, which is something I often say, is that we do not spend the time to study and learn about relationships the way we study and learn about our jobs and careers. We jump headlong into a relationship with a person that sparks our sensual and sexual desire without evaluating who this other person is and whether their values and lifestyle match our own. Then, as we become intimate, our evaluating potential gets more difficult because we feel emotionally involved. The easiest time to let go is before we get too close. That is why it is so important to not rush into relationships but to give yourself time while you can still think clearly. And it is important to know yourself before you get into those sticky situations that catch you offguard.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica, that list you wrote is wonderful. I was wishing someone close to me had that list to read, when she was having challenges with a very unhappy 9 year relationship. It’s broken up now, but I think she’s still hurting from it. So, I sent her your post, in the hope that it helps her to feel better about the whole thing. Thanks so much!
Julieanne,
Thanks for sharing the post. So many of us blame ourselves when there are problems, especially if we are attempting to love and accept another person fully. It takes both to tango, as they say. We can do a lot to influence another person but we cannot change their attitude or behavior. We can only change our own perspective, the way we view what is happening. And we also have to check out with our own emotions and pay attention to what our emotions are telling us. Also, our bodies reveal to us what we really feel. For example, back aches can indicate a sense that we are not being supported or stomach aches can indicate that there is something that we cannot digest, we cannot understand, that is confusing and upsetting. We have to also accept our own needs and desires and limitations.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
I’d add:
Accept: Your partner has the right to make decisions on their own without consultation..
Except: When that decision has a major impact on your own life too.
Sue,
Thanks for adding another caveat. In a relationship we don’t always realize that everything we do, every decision and action we take, has the potential to affect our partner. Even small decisions like hanging out with friends and not calling to let our partner know we will be home late, can have a strong adverse effect upon the partner’s emotional state. Yet we also need to feel a certain amount of freedom. There needs to be a balance.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica