This post was inspired by Sherman Smith’s Blog How Do You Build Trust Rank?
The Value of Trust
Balance by Salvatore Vuon, FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Trust develops when we do the right thing, even if nobody else knows but our partner, our business associate, our child or our friend. If you made a date, saw the person sitting at the coffee shop table or waiting at the bar, and decided there is no attraction, what would you do? Would you quietly slip out the door and let that person sit alone, waiting…? Or would you bite the bullet, meet and greet the person, and then politely end the date quickly with a face-saving excuse? It may only take 15 minutes to ½ hour of your time to do the right thing, but you are building trust rank. You never know who this person may know and how that one act of unkindness may one day return to haunt you.
Do you sometimes agree to do something you know your partner wants but have no intention, right from the start, to do it? Or do you agree to do something your partner wants, decide at some point that you really don’t want to do this, but you do it anyway because you promised and because you know it will please the other person? When you honor your agreements with the people in your life, you are building trust rank. Even if the other person is unreliable and inconsiderate, if you remain trustworthy and authentic your relationship problems become blatantly clear. The other person either reciprocates or doesn’t which allows you to freely make a decision about what you choose for your life.
Trading Value for Value
Do you get into relationships solely for how YOU can benefit from what the other person has to offer? Of do you bask in the glow of other people’s adoration of you because of what you can give to them? If your relationships tend to be a one-way street with one person providing the value and the other person soaking it up, there is an imbalance. Eventually both parties will feel resentful. The giver will want to receive continuing appreciation and acknowledgement but as the taker gets more and more filled up and less needy, resentments will build and the loving bubble will burst. In business and in personal relationships, both people need to provide adequate and often complimentary value.
Developing Your Trustworthy Reputation
The way you treat one person is often the way you eventually treat others. We cannot judge a person’s reputation by their acts of kindness, words of praise and impressive behaviors in the early stages of a relationship. Many people put forth their best self-presentation at the beginning, at the point when they want something and believe this other person can provide it. But even if the other person comes through and gives more than expected, the recipient cannot keep up the pursuit, keep up the pretense of good will, if it is not natural and authentic. Truth reveals itself over time. Reputations are not built in a day. Just as it takes many small actions to create a successful business, it also requires many small acts of integrity, kindness, caring and skill to build a reputation that builds and lasts.
What are YOU doing to build Trust Rank in your business and personal relationships? Please share your comments below.
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Warmly,
Dr. Erica Goodstone
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You offer so much positive food for thought Dr. Erica!
And are you ever so right when you advise, that real long lasting trust, simply can’t possibly be built in a single day.
Or eve in a single act of extreme kindness. I also love how you point out that if there is any type long term in balance in the relationship, that sooner or later the relationship bubble will surely burst!
This is really some spot on advice! On so many levels! And thanks for referencing Sherman Smith’s post.
Because I’ll definitely have to read that one as well! Thanks!
Hi Erica,
Not only does it take only a few minutes to do the right thing by that person sitting at the bar — but also, you never know what treasures you might discover beneath the surface! So many times I have looked at a quiet person, for example, and thought s/he wouldn’t be worth knowing — only to discover that still waters run deep, and there is SO much more to that person than meets the eye the first time. I tend not to trust first impressions. 🙂
Willena
Willena,
You are so right. We may be pleasantly surprised by what we discover that would have been lost if we just left. And when we don’t do the right thing, we never know how that affects us later one because someone remembers when we have long since forgotten.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Mark,
Thanks for your comments. Trust is so important. That seems to be one of the major concerns of couples who are having difficulty with intimacy – the trust has been broken. One person may blatantly have an affair but often the other person actually broke the sense of trust earlier by not responding to the partner’s requests and stated needs. Trust CAN be restored with clarifying, sensitive and loving communication.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica,
I build trust in business by nurturing my relationships with clients and prospects. I think that most people think of nurturing as in taking care of a child, an animal, or perhaps a garden. But we also have to nurture important relationships too. And that includes our current and potential clients. It is a critical part of building our business and is often overlooked and neglected.
For example, I have implemented several strategies where I can touch my list 5 to 30 times and give value every time. If I am actively nurturing, I will be giving value, establishing credibility, building trust and making it easy for my potential clients to say ‘yes’ the next time I present my product, program
or service offerings.
Rachel,
Very well said. You are building trust by providing value over time, a little bit at a time.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica,
Every time I read a post of yours, it takes me back to my life with my husband. I know we were not perfect but I do see that most everything we did in our relationship would have lasted a long and happy time had he not been taken away so soon.
Thank you for your wonderful posts. Monna
Monna,
Remind yourself every day “I have loved and I have been loved.” Whatever happens for the rest of your life, you KNOW you have loved. So many people have never had a truly loving relationship. So I guess our task is to be grateful for what we have and have had in this lifetime. Amount of time doesn’t matter as much as the quality.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
LovevLoveLove the idea that every action done for the right reasons is a trust-building action. It makes you a person that’s mentioned for the right reasons and thoughtly of highly. And that applies in all areas of your life, not just your love life.
Sarah,
I have noticed that some people act one way in their most intimate relationships and act a different way outside of that. If they feel “in love” they can be so caring and giving but in other cases they can just take advantage or even betray someone’s trust and not think about it. But people with integrity will treat all relationships in that same way – with respect and love and fairness.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hello Dr Erica, My Honey loves sports and I for one think they are a waste of time LOL But Yes when he asks me to go to a ball game with him, I do agree to go with him ( Thank God he doesn’t ask me often HEHE)
OK now on a serious note I am all about giving and if I set an appointment with someone I am there. I think this is so important to build trust with others, if you set up an appointment and the other person doesn’t show this is hurtful especially when they do not acknowledge that they have done wrong.
What are your thoughts on this one Dr Erica? Thanks for the great article, very interesting comments on this one.. Chery :))
Chery,
Keeping your word and honoring your promises as well as keeping appointments as scheduled helps to build trust. If you set an appointment and the other person doesn’t show, then you need to evaluate the relationship. Why did this happen? Is this person not respecting my time? Do I want to have this inconsistency in my life?
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Oh, I could banter back and forth on this one! My husband is, I think- a taker, and he never seems to pre-pay in a relationship bank. Actually he tends to rarely pay it forward from my perspective with me (I am sure his perspective may be different) but is very giving with others. Makes me crazy! We have very grateful people in our lives and then those who are not so much. I suppose it would be pretty boring if we are all the same!
Dawn,
Thanks for being so open about your relationship. I have found that not everyone is focused on the other person and fair about giving. But in a marriage, we also need to look at the bottom line. If you were in a serious situation financially or in the hospital, would your husband be there to help and support you. If someone attempted to physically attack you, would he try to protect you if he could? Sometimes that is what counts, even though we may want all those little niceties that make a relationship feel more wonderful. It is important to look at what is working and what is not working in a relationship to see if there is a balance of what you are receiving, even if it doesn’t appear that way on first glance.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Erica,
interesting article you have here that bring lots memories, some serious, some ridicules and some not as great hahah 🙂
As you started it, I was going to answer with as simple line as: I done most of them all, walked away, sit and chat with no interest, sit down with lots of interest but she would not have any and anything in between.. I done lots of it when I was into dating and discovering and learning.. back in the 90’s (after a painful divorce back in 1987.
As I read further, I say to my self.. there is a lot more that I did not know and I thank you so much for writing it in such clear way I can relate it.
To make it short and not a long romance as I usual do it… I must mention that I have been in situations where I did my best to relate a strong trust between both of us and failed and many times created no trust at all except we would keep going just because we where attracted externally and as we would get along would add some trust here and there.. and with some we continued for months and years before that trust would brake on my side or her side.. and that is another part I beginned to understand better lately, which I am currently dealing with some relationships (not only love relationships, by the way).
Glad that I come to read your informative article.. very useful 🙂
_nickc
Nick,
The way we approach and handle our most intimate relationships is not that different from the way we treat most relationships. Building trust is built upon saying what we mean and meaning what we say, on doing what we intend to do and keeping our word. Even if what we are saying is painful to the other person, if it is true and coming from our own truth, the trust is not broken. It is when we pretend in some way or leave out some important information or don’t share our true feelings, that’s when the other person may feel bitterly betrayed, even if we meant no harm.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erica,
It works both ways in the first meeting of a new contact. I meet new people daily and make sure we start off understanding that no matter what a meeting is set. Yet, life has things that happen and this first quarter I have heard so many excuses except for the one I was never prepared for. This one came out of no were. Hey, Bill sorry I could not make our meeting, I needed to make more money and had to get some more hours watching a person.
I felt relieved and wrote back with my prayers for that ill person and edified his dedication being a caretaker. I also share that role as well for many of years. It takes so much out of you and never can you gain back the years given.
Thank you for sharing this article and I am sure most of use will be able to relate the importance of getting it together and being accountable in what we commit to. There is not going back or quitting. There is no such thing as failure just different way to get it done. Hey, if you can not make a meeting send a request to possibly change it. That is simple as an email.
Thank you for opening even my eyes. I had so much on my plate that it would take days before I could get back to a list of people understanding that so many people have the challenges and answers are within reach. It is the ability to calm down and focus on the location to the steps to resolve just that issued. Everyone wants a quick response from a person they believe would speed the process up. I get more of a kick out of finding out things by completing all my due diligence first. Then if unable to locate what I need to help. Then I will seek the best person I can think of to support me in this situation. I try various people no matter who my core mentor is.
Thanks again for this share.
William,
I am guilty of not always doing my due dilligence before agreeing to do something. Since I am trustworthy and truthful, I assume others will be too – and I am sometimes disappointed when I discover that they have not been totally above board and honest.
It just happened. A new product launch. I was misled, told it was brand new and then I discovered that it has been on the market for over 6 months and several of the people I contacted had already heard about it from someone else.
It’s a good product, but I wish they had just been open and honest about this before I got involved.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
That was strange as I placed my words on this site and started to comment it just stopped and made me start at the beginning. Maybe a sign?
Well, my point was after being married over 19 years come this November to the same woman. I loved her from the first day my eyes connected as she walked closure to get introduced for a job she was going for. Since then I believe in each day a wild adventure and it works with what we choose together and the things we do apart.
If I find that each week my adventures I take off alone and then come back with much to share works. That is the way we keep it going for all these years. With here condition now, she is not able to go every place with me and really prefer not to sometimes. I love traveling to libraries and reading books for them in the mornings.
There are so many new things out there we feel that together we will explore and compare our feelings and findings. Then there are places we to not go together and even more is shared in a story telling way. It works and when you find a person you love unconditionally it will work for you to. Just do not limit your activities nor theirs. You both have unique task and that must be filled sometimes without being around each other to do so. Who the heck states that you have to do everything together as such in books and movies? That is why you enjoy them so much based on it is not my reality nor my wife’s. Is it yours?
Thank you Dr. Erica always much respect and honor. I will continue to support your site with eagerness knowing new things I will discover about me and my wife. You are a remarkable person to dedicate your life in helping all of us. I really appreciate all you do and pray others will edify you each time they interact you deserve it!
William,
Again, I am deeply touched by both your response and the loving relationship you have developed over the years with your wife. Yours is an example that many others would love to experience and emulate.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Although we may try and create the best impression we can at the beginning of a relationship, until we know a person better, we can’t always work out what they need as the other person is also trying to show their best side. It is only when we know their needs that we can work out if we are able to cater to them. I suppose the trust aspect here comes in with you being honest if you can’t?
As I have got older and more confident in me I don’t put on a front I am much more WISIWIG. 🙂
If you are in business selling products or services it is also important to work out what people need. Although I do do general advertising, personal contact always works best for me. I try and tailor this network marketing to the person rather than trying to push them into something that would not suit them.
Sue,
I need to know what WISIWIG means.
I think the best policy is to be as honest and authentic as you can be, revealing what you believe you can give and what you cannot give. Let the other person have free choice about whether they can accept you on your terms or not. Too many people try to hold onto to the good feelings they receive from someone else without telling the full truth. In the end, the emotional pain can be much worse.
Trust is built, not only on being monogamous but also on keeping your word and being and behaving as you have said you would do – being somewhat predictable, maybe with just enough unpredictability to make the relationship interesting.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica