Recently, I created an e book all about choosing different places to meet the love of your life. And I know it works. So many people have met, and continue to meet, a wonderful partner – and often for life – by thinking creatively and keeping their eyes open to possibilities. But something was left out of that book, and I feel compelled to write about it now. 
Any one of us, if we create an attractive appearance, smile and reach out in a friendly and inviting manner, and speak in appealing ways, can meet and connect with someone new. But what happens after that initial meeting? Do we feel so excited by the possibility of love and romance and sexual pleasure that we overlook warning signs and red flags about this person, probably a total stranger before we started talking?
I suggest that we set up a few boundaries before allowing our self to fall deeply in love with a new person that we hardly know. So often, I speak to someone who has just met “the love of his or her life” and is imagining walking out into the sunset together for a lifetime. That sounds wonderful but is it realistic? Are you prepared for the dangers or problems that may occur?
Not everyone is mentally healthy and balanced. Not everyone is financially stable. Not everyone is authentic, honest and reliable. Not everyone is loyal, faithful and monogamous. Not everyone faces problems and handles them. Not everyone is able to express love, feel compassion and empathy, or appreciate a loving partner. And some people can behave in downright dangerous, life threatening ways.
Last week I published 2 articles about horrific murder-suicides (1 about a distraught mother, and one about several distraught spouses) committed by women and men toward their own spouses and children and themselves. Could the victims in these circumstances have known in advance the enormity of the danger? Is there something that could have been done early on to keep each partner feeling secure and loved in the relationship?
If you meet someone new that appears to be the most wonderful person you have ever met, enjoy the moment and the delicious feeling of limerance and lust. But please pay attention to those seemingly harmless words that hurt and your subtle body responses that warn you that something may not be right – pain, tension, nausea…. Don’t ignore your intuition when this wonderful man talks about the awful woman he just broke up with. Don’t just take his word for it. Find out for yourself from his friends or colleagues or anyone who knows him, just what really happened. Don’t ignore the new woman’s comments when she tells you her last 3 boyfriends or husbands cheated on her. Either she is attracted to men who cannot be monogamous or she has a sexual problem and pushes the men away, or there is some other issue not being discussed. If you are gay and you connect with a man or woman who has dated or been married to someone of the opposite sex, discover for yourself if this person is willing to identify as gay and live the gay lifestyle.
Fortunately, most people are not extremists and do not become violent, abusive or coercively controlling. But many people have unresolved emotional problems, chemical and other addictions, sexual dysfunctions, family entanglements and other issues that need to be sorted out, examined and clarified. If you truly know another person and you have a clear picture of what you are getting into if you make a serious commitment, that is great. Just don’t take it all lightly.
If you are seeking a new job, you would probably do some research about the company. Why not do the same for your own personal relationships? And this also applies to getting involved in business relationships. The right business relationship can transform your life and catapult you to limitless success. But the wrong partner can lead you toward bankruptcy or even legal problems.
Take your life seriously. Look for love in all the possible places but avoid going down blind alleys. Know yourself, know the other person, understand how the world works and how love develops. Reach out for counseling before you make a lifelong commitment. If that wonderful new partner refuses to join you, go by yourself and check off that first warning sign. Love is open, caring, willing, receptive and respectful. Respect yourself. Expect to be treated well. Enjoy the pleasures of being in love.
Let me help you find lasting love.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica Goodstone
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Hi Dr. Erica,
this is great advice for being discriminate when we are contemplating having a new relationship.
In the past I have ignored the warning signs because wanting to be in a loving relationship was more important. Since then I have been looking deeply at myself and my patterns and the unresolved ‘stuff’ from my childhood and I can see how each partner has activated my issues which I now see as a blessing.
Thank you so much for sharing your expertise!
I love coming to your blog since I either get confirmation and/or I am learning something.
Love and Light
Yorinda
Yorinda,
It is wonderful that you have stepped back and taken the time to self-reflect. Once you know yourself well, what you want, need, desire and expect, it is so much easier to create the type of loving relationship with someone else.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Erica,
What can I say but this is a stellar post!
I have so many clients that come to me and ask “Is this guy going to marry me?” Now that depends on so many variables and the best advice I can give them is to be the fox in the woods. Look at their repeated pattern of behavior and there you can measure him rather than his words.
There is so much to think about when starting a relationship. I’ll share a little secret with you to make you chuckle. When I met David 23 years ago, I had never met a guy so empathetic and wonderful. My previous relationships were disasters.
Luckily, one of my clients back then worked in the police department and I asked her for a favor to do a check on him. He came up with one parking ticket.
Then as we dated, I went a step further. He was recently divorced and I asked him to do at least 6 months of therapy to make sure he was ready for a relationship. This followed a few therapy sessions together.
The poor guy went through hoops, but here we are still a happy couple.
Yes, people will research so much to purchase something, but don’t think of researching a person they meet and start a relationship with.
As usual, the best advice!
-Donna
Donna,
Thank you for sharing what you did at the start of your relationship. It makes total sense to me. You weren’t taking any chances. And since he was willing to go for therapy with you, that showed a lot about his character and willingness to be the best he can be. So you both went into the marriage with your eyes open.
I work with so many couples that want to work out issues before making the commitment to marry. That is such a wise decision. Even if the two decide to break up, they have discovered so much about their own needs, desires and personal style in relationships.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Such great advice.. in my opinion!!
But it makes me think of that “love at first sight”. Years ago you hear of poeple who fell in love and got married after such a short time and they made it!! I mean their marriage or relationship lasted for a long long time… Do you think that we have to be more careful nowadays because we seem to be so much more ‘worldly’… Not in a good way.. but we see so much more about what is going on and how exploited situation can be. Or may be hears ago we didn’t hear about it, so it didn’t happen? Very curious about your opinion Dr Erica!
Holly,
Great questions. Years ago we did not have so many options and opportunities. TV, the internet and other media have brought all the possible dangers of relationships out into the open. It has always been better to choose a partner that was known, through close families, friends, work or in other ways. When we connect with a total stranger and fall in love, we don’t really know what we are getting into. Sometimes it does work out wonderfully. But probably more often than not, the problems start showing up months or even years later.
Another way to look at it is that life is adventure. Some of us are bigger risk takers. And with risk, sometimes we win and sometimes we lose.
Don’t ignore your intuition, excellent advice, Dr. Erica. I can’t tell you the number of times I have done something even though the little voice of intuition was telling me not to. Not necessarily only in relationships but in everyday life as well.
Most of the the time we know when to do or not do something, we just try to override what our intuition is telling us.
Stephen,
I have learned to follow my intuition and it never fails me. Sometimes I doubt my decision at first and then later realize it was for the best. When I ignore my inner knowing, I walk into some type of difficulty that could have been prevented. But in the end it is all a learning experience in life.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
I can’t say that ignoring my intuitive gut feelings has ever really been all that beneficial. Usually when I do that, I just wind up absolutely knowing I should have listened.
Stephen,
Sometimes we want something so much that we become impatient. And probably if we had listened to our inner knowing and bypassed the immediate carrot in front of us, we might have soon afterwards received what we really were wanting.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erica,
I read many of your articles, but for some reason this one here is touching a special note within me.
There are so may experiences that I could have used what you suggested and I did not.
The results were devastating at different levels.. but at the same time, thinking back if I would follow your advice or suggestions, I probably would not have any relationships haha 🙂
No mater what, I truly can say that what you wrote can be very, very helpful when we met or get acquainted with a person of the opposed sex (in my situation) and take that very important step back to figure out if it is best to move forward or just let it go.
Just the last few weeks I had an a few experiences where I had to take that step back and examine the situation (with one, it was very painful, but I still done it)
Anyway… not certain I get into another situation where I have to use your suggestion to take a step back any time soon, but for sure that will help not to get into any stressful situation.
Thanks so much for sharing so much of your wisdom and knowledge.
_nickc
Nick,
Yes, it is important to step back, take a good look, and avoid stepping into a problematic situation. On the other hand, sometimes the fun and pleasure in the moment may actually be worth the hardship we later encounter. And in the end, it is all a learning experience in life. And what we experience is just emotions, nothing is good or bad except that we label it that way. The goal is to learn how to love, no matter what is happening – and that is not easy.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Dr Erica,
You have provided some sage advice in this post! So many of us fall in love with the idea of being in love and don’t take the time to really make sure the person we just met is right for us before we dive right in. If you listen to your intuition and take your time it will help you make smart decisions in love.
Shelley,
It can take a long time and lots of dates before connecting with someone who stimulates a sense of love and passion. So it can be difficult to evaluate the situation and tell the truth to ourself when we are caught in the throes of those loving feelings. But those early stages of romance are not a good enough foundation for lasting love to develop. We need to pay attention and discern what is really happening.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica