Most of us dream of finding the “perfect” partner and walking out into the sunset for a life filled with love, appreciation, fun, sensual and sexual ecstasy, and continual joy. In the past, many of us dreamed of creating the type of relationship we saw in a romantic movie. It may have been somewhat unrealistic but at least it was distant, unknown, strangers and something to wish for and dream about.
Now, we are confronted with apparently “perfect” relationships every time we log into our social media accounts. I have personally counseled couples that were fighting, struggling and on the verge of breaking up, yet on their social media page they would describe that same partner as “my hero”, “my dream,” or some other lovey-dovey statement. And I would shake my head, wondering: is this the same couple I recently talked with?
Even if two people have worked through their differences, appreciate and love each other, and have a good relationship, the qualities of that man or woman may not be the qualities you personally want and need for your life partnership.
Another important fact to consider is that when you are looking for a relationship, no matter how “perfect” another person appears to be at the beginning, you can rest assured that you will not feel that way consistently, day in and day out, for the rest of your life. As human beings we have continual stimuli, stresses, issues, problems, challenges, interactions with others, and changing circumstances, thoughts, beliefs and attitudes. We are influenced by everyone and everything around us. Our brains are like sponges, taking in so much information and filtering it differently at various times.
To find the “right” or “most suitable” partner is a skill by itself. And then to bond with that person and create a long term joyful commitment is a totally different skill. It requires time, knowledge about a deep understanding of the way relationships work, clear and regular communication that is felt and heard by both people, and an ongoing effort to resolve differences and continually creating and recreating love – by both partners.
There are some basic principles of success that apply to all relationships, regardless of the level of intimacy or commitment. These principles will apply to building a business, creating a productive and happy family, or building an intimate bond that lasts for a lifetime.
Wonder if you have what it takes to create love? ANSWER THESE 6 SIMPLE QUESTIONS
1. I realize that creating loving relationships is not about making a great first impression, but rather about sharing, communicating, showing appreciation and building trust through various situations over time.
2. I am willing to put in the time, effort and energy to learn from qualified experts (authors, therapists, coaches, spiritual leaders) to discover what it takes to create loving relationships.3. I am willing to face my fear of not knowing something (e.g., how to speak with compassion and empathy, how to confront issues without attacking the other person, how to please my partner sexually, how to understand what my partner wants and needs)
4. I am willing to spend my time to seriously study, learn and practice the skills required to create loving relationships.
5. I know others will benefit from the way I understand life and I am willing to learn how to share my unique perspective in such a way that others will want to hear what I have to say and I will be receptive to listening as well.
6. I know that to succeed in any area of life requires an investment of time, effort and resources and I know I can learn to love more easily and more effectively if I am guided and mentored by someone who can show me the way.
If you have truly answered “Yes” to all 6 statements then you are on your way to creating lifelong successful relationships in business, in love and in family life.
If you have answered “No” to any of these items, ask yourself what is stopping you, why you think it is not necessary for you to study and learn about love, and how that might be affecting all of your relationships.
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With love and caring,
Love Mentor and Relationship Healer
Where There Is Love There IS A Way
Dr. Erica Goodstone
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So true. Lovely article that resonates. Love / marriage is a journey, ever changing and needs many skills to reap the long term rewards-so worth it!
I like Nancy’s comment,” for better or for worse”. Relationship is work, you summed it up nicely.
How many people nowadays believe that marriage is “for better or worse”? We see images of ideal relationships but we don’t realize how much personal self-reflection, heart-to-heart communication and possibly counseling and therapy, have helped couples to negotiate their differences and problems and remain together with love.
“Another important fact to consider is that when you are looking for a relationship, no matter how “perfect” another person appears to be at the beginning, you can rest assured that you will not feel that way consistently, day in and day out, for the rest of your life.”
Perhaps that’s why the marriage vows say “for better or for worse” because people wiser than we knew this truth that love isn’t a warm feeling all the time. Love is a commitment to get you through thick or thin.
Nancy,
Absolutely. I like that you said, “People wiser than we knew” stated that marriage vows are “for better or for worse”.
Nowadays, we seem to ignore that and I have even heard first marriages described as “starter marriages”, as if we should get married
with the knowledge, and even intention, of getting divorced and moving on when things get difficult.