27 thoughts on “Do You Know The Secret For Creating A Long Lasting Happy Relationship?”

1. Thanks Dr.Erica!

   There are so many helpful ways to communicate empathy, sympathy and or
   compassion and simultaneously still be ever mindful of your other half’s real needs, wants and desires.

   And you (as usual) have done a stellar job listing several ways of accomplishing just that!

   BTW, I really love your saying, “where there’s love there is a way!” I think that about says it all!

   Thanks for sharing such an interesting and extremely helpful read!

   • Mark,

     You seem to have a really good understanding of what it takes to have a loving relationship. First thing is to listen to the other person, to care about learning what he or she wants and needs and to have a real desire to do what it takes to bring a smile to your partner’s face.

     Warmly,

     Dr. Erica

2. I have a bit of a unique situation. My husband and I had some significant challenges in our relationship that we worked on for years, including a lot of counseling. We ended up separating and then getting divorced. We chose to handle the divorce as friends and were friends the whole time we were apart. We’re back together now – not married, but living together. I agree that where there’s love, there’s a way . . . and that the traits and behaviors you mentioned are essential. It’s definitely not a crap shoot or about finding the “right” partner. Sometimes, though, there are things that might necessitate a split. I’m very thankful in our situation that a lot of healing took place and things were resolved.

   • Leanne,

     Your situation is not as unique as you might think. When we are living together with an intimate partner and problems seem insurmountable, separation is actually a good idea – if possible. It gives us a chance to get back to our own self, to stop being caught in the drama and the co-dependence that naturally happens. Then, when we have the freedom to not be obligated to each other, it is interesting how some of the problems become less pronounced and we are finally able to be together in a way that pleases both of us. We come together originally, often in the heat of passion. But we are bringing with us all of our unresolved childhood issues and different ways of navigating the world. It is a work in progress to create a satisfying relationship together. Some couples mesh more easily than others but some of those that look so happy and compatible are really just avoiding the bigger issues until some later point in time. That is why I love working with couples and delving into all the underlying issues, helping them to appreciate each other and honor their own selves at the same time.

     Warmly,

     Dr. Erica

3. I have had my share of ups and downs in my marriage. I think I am lucky in this regard because both my husband and I were more than willing to fix the problem because both of us really value what we have. We have opted for marriage counseling and we have both worked really hard to make our relationship what it is today.

   Thanks for sharing this post, it really inspired me to thrive to an even better relationship and it also reminded me of how lucky I am to have what I have.

   • Houda,

     I am happy to hear that you and your husband were both willing to do what it takes to create a better relationship. Just a few small shifts in attitude and a few loving words and actions can make the difference between a long lasting happy relationship and one that is fraught with pain and hurt and dissatisfaction.

     Warmly,
     Dr. Erica

4. Kim and I were discussing something to this extent even in regards to friendship. We don’t always see eye to eye and sometimes we there’s some tough spots where there’s no talking for a few days, but after the thinking is done, saying what needs to be said makes everything right.

   Now… if only I could get it right with a romantic relationship… lol

   • Nile,

     It does take two people to create a relationship that is mutually fulfilling. So the first step is to carefully select a partner, to test out the communication process and to not overlook problems as they arise. The sooner we get clear about the relationship potential, the easier it is to create what we really want. Not everyone is ready to do what it takes to make a relationship wonderful.

     Warmly,
     Dr. Erica

5. Erica,

   I have a wonderful 24 year relationship with my husband. We compliment each other in so many ways. We are so close that I wondered once if we had too much of a symbiotic relationship that I brought this issue up with my therapist. I invited David there and we got the stamp of approval lol.

   But this didn’t just happen. Previously I had two other marriages that were hell. Both were abusive. When I realized I was repeating a pattern, I got help. It took a while for me to work through it, but once I did, I was ready to be loved. And that’s how I met David.

   -Donna

   • Donna,

     Many of us did not grow up in families that taught us how to create loving relationships by being good role models. So we choose intimate partners and friends based upon our early relationships and our beliefs that developed. It can take a long time and many difficult relationships in addition to months or years of counseling to finally recognize your own worth.
     And that is the start to choosing a partner that is capable of co-creating a satisfying relationship. You have done the work and you are now reaping the rewards.

     Warmly,
     Dr. Erica

6. Dr. Erica,
   after writing this great and informative article.. you asked… “What have YOU done to either end an unsatisfying relationship or to transform it into the loving relationship you wanted?”

   My answer is simple… I let them go since none of them (well, except one that I missed to recognise it 🙂 all my relationships with women ended up a brake off starting with a divorce with my ex and only wife.

   After her, I had many so called lady friend, a couple we went on for years dating and enjoying life together but at the end, there have been always something that could not keep going… and just for the record, since I know you know a lot about this…. I ALWAYS done my best to be as great as a friend as possible… and believe it or not.. all the ladies I went out with so far.. I always knew right from the beginning that it will not last for ever.

   I may need your services to find out why this trend hahah 🙂

   Thanks so much for enlighten us all with your knowledge in relationships.
   _nickc

   • Nick,

     In my experience it is much easier to find lasting love when your focus and drive and learning are more limited. As you develop many different interests and concerns with defined values and strong convictions, it becomes harder and harder to find people who live up to your standards and understanding. As one of my professors at school told me, when I had turned in a 60 page report while most of the others gave a 5 page report, “It’s lonely at the top.”

     Of course there are other elements involved, such as whether or not you had a loving role model in your early upbringing or if you only feel comfortable with those you know you cannot commit to being with for the long haul.

     So, it seems as if you have shared lots of good times and love and yet there may be something more you still have not attained.

     Warmly,

     Dr. Erica

7. Hi Erica,

   I read your posts like this one and I think back on the relationship my husband and I had with each other. The short time we had together was good because we did work together at making it work. I have no doubt we may have come across some rough patches in time had he lived, but I believe we would have been able to work through them.

   • Monna,

     Your relationship was based upon real love, not just infatuation. As long as both of you knew you were loved by each other, you could get through any difficulties that would arise. I really believe that loving the other and feeling that love coming back is what enables couples to thrive.

     Warmly,
     Dr. Erica

8. One of the best suggestions ever given to me (that I followed) was to read the book 5 Love Languages. My marriage is EXTREMELY healthy, but we have gone through a lot of trials through the 12 years. MOST everything is repairable with healthy communication.

   • Heather,

     That book is quite valuable in reminding us that each of us shows our love differently. But sometimes one or the other is really mistreating the partner or taking their partner for granted. You are correct in saying that most problems can be resolved with good communication.

     Warmly,
     Dr. Erica

9. You have great tips in this post. I like the communication and I think it is key to many issues if not done properly. Thanks for the share.

   • Siphosith,

     You are so right. Communication is a key issues in most relationships. When done well, with listening and caring and respect, both people learn more about themselves and become more loving.

     Warmly,
     Dr. Erica

10. Dr. Erica,

    Love the advice and guidence here!

    This is my 20th anniversary. Prior to going out for dinner. I had time to pop on your supportive site.

    I learn that my wife and I understand each other. Each day is lived as a new adventure. We never work on our marriage. Based on it is a lifestyle we accept and agreed to journey. Not, a job one has to work on?

    There are no secret, just be yourself 24hrs a day. The same crazy person I am in the mirror. It what she gets, each amazing day. Appreciate what one has, helps us each day.

    Thank you Dr. Erica for all the years you put forth your heart of healing. I enjoy and respect your insights.

    • Had to return Dr. Erica,

      If we claim to love someone. It is unconditional and should remind us why we fell in love with them? Daily, have the perception of it’s still courting time. That is my secret.

      I felt the same as I do now. No one is perfect and that is what we have to accept. Having the will to let go and enjoy each other including faults. Make sense?

      Thank for your amazing insight with our lives. Never has it been onetime. I have not gain more clarity with not just my relationship. Yet, hope for others who I come in contact.

      I appreciate you in my life and look forward in speaking with you soon.

      • William,
        I believe you have the right idea about relationships and love. You love your partner and accept her as she is. So many people just cannot do that. They have a preconceived idea about the way the other person should be – and society sets up all these unrealistic expectations. However, it does take 2 people to keep a relationship happy and fulfilling. One person can do a lot and can sometimes help to transform the other, yet often you need to, as you say, “let go and enjoy each other including faults.”
        Warmly,
        Dr. Erica

11. I find that if I drop my wife a text or phone her briefly every day during my work day to let her know that I am thinking of her, it makes a HUGE difference in our marriage.

    • Zach,

      That’s exactly what a relationship needs, that consistent attention and reminder that you care. When people are having an affair, they do that type of caring texting but so many long term couples get complacent and think the small stuff no longer matters.

      Warmly,
      Dr. Erica

12. I work really hard on my marriage. I work with my husband and I respect his space and his time. We make time to be together and we’ve had 2 fights in 11 years. We’re very close, but I do not treat him like a best friend, because a best friend is who I gripe with and talk armpit hair to. A husband has a different role and while I cna tell him anything and be heard, I respect that what I tell him should be worth listening to. I have girlfriends for the really important things :). That and lots and lots of sex make a great marriage.

    • Sarah,

      You have a great attitude about your relationship, being ever mindful of not dumping all your frustrations and concerns onto him. So many relationships are filled with that and creates either turmoil or lack of desire.

      Warmly,
      Dr. Erica

13. I really bridled at the sentence “Sounds just like the type of requests women often make to communicate more while their partners tend to back away from those “intimate” discussions.”

    We men are sensitive. I recall reading a study that showed that women are very good at reading women, but are not as good at reading men. It is men who are good at reading men. It is not that we shy away from communicating – it is that the the bits of our psyche that reach out, need to be acknowledged in a certain way, just as they are with women and with us all.

    That said, I agree that the tendency to criticise the other is a sure path to the destruction of a relationship. And not lifting the other up is just as bad – it leads to criticism in the end.

    It’s difficult sometimes in this world where people are not necessarily socialised to understand the fragility of others and the need to reciprocate and say thank you.

    • David,

      Sorry to have made such a stereotypical comment about women wanting to communicate and men resisting. Of course there are many men who do communicate openly and there are also many men who fit the stereotype. And of course men are sensitive and sometimes the reason they don’t communicate is that they have not been listened to or understood when they did open up. Any types of generalities may fit a large number of people but certainly not all.
      Glad you are aware of your sensitivity and willing to express it and acknowledge it.
      Warmly,
      Dr. Erica

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