Believing it doesn’t make it true
I was intrigued by this title in a recent article by Mike Hendricks in the McCook Gazette. Although Mr. Hendricks writes about belief at work, in politics and other types of situations, I have used his idea to talk about my favorite topic – Love.
Here are some questions to ask yourself about love and related issues:
- Do you “believe” you are a loving person, that you are giving all your love to your partner, your child or someone else you care about?
- Do you believe you “know” yourself so well that when someone criticizes you that they are wrong and just don’t understand?
- Do you believe that you have met the prince or princess of your dreams, that this is the person you have been waiting for who is leaps and bounds better than your previous intimate partners?
- Do you believe that you have been “unlucky” in love, that you seem to be attracted to the “wrong” people who eventually disappoint, hurt and deceive you?
- Do you believe your past has nothing to do with your present situation and you “should” be able to just move on?
- Do you believe that what happened to you in the past “IS” the main cause and usually the reason for all your current problems, difficulties and upsets?
Believing you are loving doesn’t make you loving
Just because you have always believed that you are a loving person does not mean that every person with whom you are in a relationship “feels” loved by you. If you know that in your heart you feel love, if you believe your true intention is to love another person, this does not necessarily mean that your attitudes, actions and behaviors toward that person are, in fact, loving. Just because you believe you are loving does not make it so.
Relationships are not just a one-way street but an ongoing interaction, back and forth, between two or more people. What we say and do at one moment, even what we think silently to our self and do not actually express out loud, may affect the way another person thinks and feels and behaves. And what we do at “this” moment may have an effect on another person, not immediately, but at some future time when we have forgotten our initial thoughts or actions.
We have a brain that stores memories. When we think or act or behave in a certain way, without realizing it, we may have inadvertently triggered a memory deep within our own brain or deep within another person’s brain, causing a response based upon a past experience that had been meaningful at the time. Once that memory is triggered, in the moment it might not matter at all the fact that we love this other person. All that matters in the moment is that we feel better about that triggered memory.
We also have a sensory awareness system, triggered through any of our senses, that reminds us of a time way back when, a time when something traumatic or wonderful occurred. If we have memories of delicious home cooking or the stench of a dead body, our olfactory system can bring us instant memory if a similar scent is detected. We are similarly attuned to familiar sounds, sights and tastes. But there is one sense, touch, that can actually turn on a specific gene that is specifically affected only by touch. Through touch, we can access and release deep-seated, long term memories that have been suppressed for a long time, sometimes decades.
Your body doesn’t lie
You may actually “believe” that your partner loves you and is loyal and faithful, but if you feel a tightness in your belly, a strange sensation in your neck or some other bodily symptom when he or she denies connection with someone else, then pay attention to the message in your body.
If your partner gets angry with you or cries because you are not loving, pay attention because that person’s body is giving them messages. Maybe there is something you are saying and doing and feeling that your partner senses, even if you do not yet realize what is happening.
In the early stages of a love relationship there is a dream of “perfect” love and then the reality starts to set in. You have to deal with daily jobs and tasks and chores, emotional needs that may not be met, different lifestyle choices that may not mesh, and body sensations indicating something may not be quite right.
Don’t automatically assume the relationship is “completely wrong” or you are being “too sensitive”. When discrepancies are revealed, that is the time to take stock of yourself and your partner, to create consistent conversation and dialogue to communicate what each of you is actually thinking, believing and feeling. That is the time to get counseling or coaching. Just a few sessions with a 3rd party, someone who is more neutral than your friends and family, can guide you to stop the negative interactions, create empathy and develop a solid communication style that helps both of you to feel loved, understood, acknowledged and appreciated.
Become the love you seek
Love is a noun, a verb, an art, a science, and a habit. Love surpasses all other emotions. When we love, we overcome fear, insecurity, anger, shame and any other emotion that is not love. When we love, we act in ways that reveal our loving intention to others. When we love, we carefully construct our relationships to build trust and desire and emotional safety. When we love, we learn what works, what doesn’t work and what has been proven to break through resistance and create true harmony.
Challenge yourself to become a love creator
With over 4 decades of study, training, certifications, licenses, experience and continual practice, I have developed what I believe is the only comprehensive Love Program that exists. Research indicates that it takes about 30 days to develop a habit.
My new, updated Healing Through Love Lessons expands the time frame.
The course is extended to 6 weeks, 5 lessons each week with 2 days to catch up and reflect. Make sure to join one of my email lists – click on the widgets on your right – so you can be one of the first to hear about it when the Love Lessons course begins.
Learn how to love, how to love yourself first and then to love others, how to understand what blocks and stops you from loving, how to recognize what is love and what is not love in others and in yourself, how to live according to the universal “laws” of love and how to program your heart and mind and body to love and respond to love.
GET READY FOR LOVE LESSONS COMING SOON
In the meantime….
LEARN HOW TO HEAL THROUGH LOVE
Warmly,
Dr. Erica Goodstone
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Hi Dr Erica
This is interesting but you have revealed a fact. Just because one feels he is a loving person does not necessarily mean he is loving.
Sometimes what we think and do don’t correlate with each other so thanks for the tips in this post.
Have a wonderful weekend. Take Care
Goodness, this is so true. It is similar to church goers who believe they are ‘godly’ because they go to church, but they really behave in a despicable way.
Enjoy the journey!
Mandy,
Great example to illustrate the point. We can so easily be fooled by someone’s words of love with behaviors that are not loving. That becomes very confusing and we often doubt ourself before realizing what is actually happening.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica,
What a wonderful article. What stands out to me is those feelings one gets in the body. Maybe its the tightness of the stomach or whatever, but we must find a way to listen to our bodies because it tells us so much.
When it comes to relationships, I find communication is key. If we can be honest and open with each other it just may work! But I strongly believe a third party is Always needed. Even when things are going well, why not? There is always room for growth. Plus it is like looking in a mirror with a third party. We cannot really see ourselves unless we do that.
-Donna
Donna,
I sometimes say “If it’s not broke, don’t fix it.”
Too much evaluation and scrutiny can interfere with spontaneity and feeling free to be yourself.
But when there is a problem that is creating upset and distancing, then a third party might
just help to clarify what is going on and bring you both to a more loving and sharing space.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Interesting article, Dr. Erica,
Love certainly has many faces, and we need to be able to see them all in order to build loving relationships. I think it really gets down to the power of communication. When people are open to each other’s needs and desires and feelings, as you suggest, then they can in fact begin to be loving toward one another.
David,
Problem is that many of us are caught up in our own wants and needs, expecting the other person to be what we want them to be and treat us the way we expect and desire. But it is a two-way communication and we can’t get what we want at the other person’s expense. We need to find a way to communicate and help each other to feel safe and loved, appreciated, acknowledged and understood. It can be a lifetime task to love another.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica
A wonderful post on love. Love is a beautiful feeling. But unless we know how to love ourselves, how will we love others? We keep searching for that special one who will love us and pamper us. But we need to learn to love ourselves.
Thanks for sharing this wisdom!
Sonal,
So many people break up from this one and turn to that one, thinking in the midst of the hormonal rushes that this time it will all be better. A few months or years later, they are leaving this one for that one, again. and they continue the cycle until finally realizing the one to focus on is our self. Once you love yourself, others around you shift in their attitude or they naturally go away. Loving yourself is the key to it all.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erica –
Love is so complicated but yet so amazingly simple. To love someone is to respect yourself and show kindness to yourself while also “proving” your love of the other person through great intentions coupled with kind words and true actions. To envelop someone in the warm embrace of love is a beautiful thing.
Naturally Yours,
Dr. Elise
Dr. Elise,
Love is certainly beautiful when we are aware of how our words and actions affect those we care about. So many of us are more aware of our own needs, our own feelings, and we get defensive when our partner makes requests. Love can be so simple when we both have a loving intention and act upon our intentions with each other. And it is an ongoing awareness that helps us to sustain the sense of love and warmth and safety together.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Great Dr. Erica Goodstone what an explaination about love feelings which we never understand what is happening. Yes we should have belief in ourselves to love someone and understand their feelings. Thanks for sharing
Sazia,
Many people believe in love and think they are loving just because they have loving feelings toward another person. But those same people often do not behave in ways that enable the other person to feel that love.
Loving is being open and vulnerable and receptive and caring how we are affecting others.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
If we can’t love ourselves then how can we believe that someone else loves us? I used to be my worst critic and found fault in myself all the time. I believed that nothing I did was good enough. My marriage broke up after 25 years and I thought I’d never find anyone else. I was wrong. With counseling and group therapy I changed my way of thinking. My now 14 year long partner supported me through this, seeing things in me that I couldn’t. He is going through his own issues because of pain but I’m at a bit of a loss as to how I can help him. I know we shouldn’t lose ourselves in others needs but it’s hard not to let them affect us.
Sue,
Knowing that your husband has been there for you makes it even more difficult to see him in pain and feel as if there is not much you can do. Today I saw a video about what happened in a woman’s brain when her beloved husband held her hand. That tender caring love calmed her brain, which had been really active prior to the touch.
So just showing him that you are there with him, gently reassuring him through touch, can make a huge difference. You can’t stop the pain but you can ease his mind’s stress so that the pain feels less intense.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr.Erica,
It is always true that we have to love and care for ourselves first to be able to generate love for others. If we do more what we love and feel
good and happy and set boundaries everyone around us feels good
as well .
Thank you for the beautiful post.
Erika
Erika,
You are so right. When we do more of what we love and we feel happy and set boundaries, everyone around us feels good – except maybe those people who did not have a loving agenda. If the boundaries are ignored, the person overstepping the boundary might feel great but if you are letting someone do that to you, you will not feel good. I am so glad you added the piece about boundaries.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Dr Erica,
Really enjoyed your post 🙂 I agree that believing in loves does not mean that you are loving. Since being in a long term relationship (almost 10 years now), that I have come to realize that yes, at the beginning when you fall in love and do all of these things that make you feel so good, that they do not actually mean they will stay that way lol . I realize that now I have to take care of me and love me no matter what and if that means finding my own way of feeling good about myself then that is what I will do 🙂 Taking care of myself is very important to me as I age and get older, that feeling “good” is all about the confidence that I am building in me and in turn, makes my relationship that much stronger 🙂
Joan,
Very wise words. So many people, men and women, keep searching for that other person to give them those good feelings, to take care of their needs, to understand them, to be romantic, and to do whatever it is they believe is evidence that they are loved. The real key, however, is to love yourself, nurture yourself and stand up for yourself. That gives you the strength and courage to stand by another person, even at those times when your own needs are temporarily not being met.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hey Dr, Erica,
Thanks for sharing this powerful information…
It is so true that words and actions can hurt another whether we realize or not…
I have learned over the years that it is so important to have that conversation and dialogue when certain feelings are triggered.
Also, whether we realize or understand the effect that our actions have caused, it is important to validate the feelings that others are having and never to dismiss them because we may not share the exact same feelings.
Marc
Hi Marc,
Often we think we know how the other person “should” feel and we dismiss them as too sensitive or misunderstanding our intent. But often there is a nuance that they feel that we may not even realize they are picking up from us.
True intimacy is allowing each other to express what is true for us, to listen and hear and attempt to understand, and to validate each other. And always, it helps to appreciate and feel gratitude for what you do have, rather than missing all that you don’t have.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica,
Oh my goodness! This article really touched me. This is so true in believing the how the body feels. It does not lie! I was feeling horrible the past two months and so many symptoms had popped up. I believe it was stress from a relationship, not having the support and love that I felt I needed. The love I would give was not reciprocated and it left me drained. I had to stop worrying about the relationship and take care of myself. Once I started seeing doctors and getting tests done, soon I felt better because I knew I was doing what was right for me. Taking care of me. If I am not taking care of myself, who will do it for me? I need to take care of me to take care of the little ones that count on me every day.
Thanks for sharing this! What a wonderful challenge. Learning to love oneself is tough but you can’t love anyone until you love yourself first.
Take care,
Lillian
Lillian,
Love relationships can be so wonderful when we set boundaries, take care of our self and don’t get lost in the other person’s neess and desires. So glad you chose to take care of yourself and focus on your own health and well being. Love needs to support that in each person or the love soon gets depleted and wears out.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica