Love is ….
Love, that elusive feeling and all inclusive word, seems to mean so much to all of us. When we are longing for love, it becomes the answer to our prayers, the solution to our problems, the remedy for our low self-esteem, and the quick fix for our lack of self-love. We “love” this other person who “appears” to be the most suitable savior we can find.
How do we know that we “love” this other person? Well, he or she seems to offer benefits that we want and value and believe we need. For example, we may desire someone extremely good looking so that we can say to the world: “Look how special I am because this beautiful person “loves” me.” “Look how clever I am because this brilliant/wealthy/successful/talented person wants to be with me.” Many of su do not believe we have these unique capabilities or that we can acquire these benefits on our own. We “love” this other person and long to build a relationship as the quickest route to getting our needs met, an easy way to feel by association “as if” we do have those coveted qualities.
So, if our chosen love object reciprocates, responds favorably to our love requests, and bestows upon us all the benefits we are seeking, we may actually believe that our love is strong and growing and invincible. We may start to feel puffed up and overconfident because of how special we think we must be to have attained this wonderful person’s love and affection.
Then what happens if this desired person does not reciprocate and does not show an interest in being with us? And what if this once beautiful person loses their sexy, healthy appearance, exhausts their financial reserves, develops an addiction problem, becomes emotionally unbalanced, and stops making us feel proud and special, safe and secure, loved, appreciated and even acknowledged? Does our love stop here? Do we say: “This is not what I signed up for. I’m out of here.”
Love is not love that is seeking to get, receive and be bestowed upon. Love is not love that gets easily distracted and sidetracked. Love is not love that backs away and runs for the hills when the going gets tough.
What, then, is this elusive quality referred to as love. I believe that love is a state of being in which we no longer “demand,” “expect” or even “need” to receive what we want and get our needs met. Love is a state of acceptance and long suffering. Love seeks to reassure a frightened child that mommy will not go away. Love seeks to reassure an angry, frustrated man or woman that love will not disappear. Love seeks to comfort a self-destructive partner. Love seeks to assist another person to return to self-love.
Love always asks “What can I do for you?” rather than “What can you do for me?” And love never forgets “me.” Love begins by asking “What resources do I have to offer this other person?” If I do not have money and this person needs money, I may not be able to provide money and also take care of myself. Love would ask instead “What can I do to help this person attain money?”
Love is not love when we give to another person everything he or she wants and needs. When we love, our goal is boost the other person’s self-esteem, self-worth, self-initiative and self-determination. The question to ask is: How can I use the resources I have to assist this other person to access their own resources?”
Love is the most wonderful experience in life. And there are no quick and easy shortcuts. Love is discerning. Love requires patience, practice and self-soothing. Love is a creative expression of all that we can be in this lifetime.
How have you given and received love? Do you recognize the difference between loving in order to receive benefits and loving in order to share yourself and lighten the burdens of another person?
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Here’s to living your life in love.
Please take a moment to share how you have overcome your inner critic or if you could use some help right now.
Here’s to living your life in love
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone
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Hi Dr.Erica,
thank you for your great insights and the explanation of what love is.
For most of my life I have attempted to have loving relationships but none of them lasted long. Working on myself with any self help and counselling I could find has therefore been important to me for the last 30 years. Five years ago I realized that I didn’t know what I want and was pleasing others, thinking I was being selfless. It wasn’t easy when I learned that it was ‘in order’ to.
Can two half full cups make a full one?
What if we would come into a relationship with self esteem, rather than expect the self esteem to come from the partner/relationship?
I very much appreciate your wisdom!
Love and Light
Yorinda
Yorinda,
We CAN come into relationships with self-esteem. In fact, we need to believe in, respect and honor our own needs, desires and wants. It is amazing how the world seems to conform to our desires when we make them clear to everyone around us. People like to be led and guided. We are more powerful and influential than most of us realize.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr Erica, What a fantastic article that really explains the differences between what real love is and what it isn’t. I have been blessed enough to have experienced real love and given it and it is so amazing to have it in your life. Thanks so much for showing how important it is to know how to give and receive love.
Shelly,
You are blessed to have found true love and your partner is blessed as well to have found you. We have to be able to appreciate love when we find it. So many people have love handed to them and they make mincemeat out of it instead of reciprocating with caring and an open heart.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Love is definitely self-less, within reason. It can’t be about you, but it cant be an unhealthy all about them either. It’s two-way street. I think a lot of times people forget that and they forget to communicate how they are feeling in order to help one another.
Love, to me, is all about understanding – understanding yourself, how you think, feel and behave and understanding the other person – and then finding a way to bridge the gap between two completely different worldviews and approaches to relationships. It is so much easier to give fully when we understand the dynamics of what is going on.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erica,
Not only is your article great, but your response here really captures something very important about relationships and love that most of us never think of. Understanding yourself is critical. The problem is that a lot of people really don’t, and they don’t want to work on it either. Thanks for sharing!
Jupiter Jim,
Not only is it important to understand yourself, it is also crucial to understand the other person’s personality style, needs and frustrations. If you know yourself and you speak to the other person in a way that helps him or her to feel understood, acknowledged and appreciated, it is amazing how harmonious relationships can become.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
What a great article about love.. I love the way you explain what it is and what is isn’t.. I think that when i look around the world it is easy to see those who love and those who don’t. So much about what can you do for me! It is interesting in what I have learned, that although I may love someone they can only love me back the way they know how to love… I can’t expect them to give me what I need.. I have to self love for that.
Holly,
You just explained it so well. “…they can only love me back the way they know how to love… I can’t expect them to give me what I need.. I have to self love for that.”
So many of us seek love from someone outside of us, expecting that other person to satisfy all of our needs and to make up for all of our deficits. It doesn’t work that way. The other person also has needs – and not quite the same as ours – and they have daily interactions apart from us. They may or may not be able to show their love in the way we want and need. The key is whether or not we can continue to love another and get our emotional needs met whether or not they provide the support.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Dr Erica, I’ve been lucky in love:-) My husband and I have been together for 30 years now, we’ve had our ups and downs, but it seems we love each other. Sometimes I wonder though, when you’ve been together so long, quite often a lot of it is about “getting used to each other”. When the other person is gone, you notice how much you miss them, or else it’s nice to have some time alone. Love is a little strange, but I’m thankful for being loved and to love.
Julieanne,
You are fortunate to have found love and to have been able to get used to each other. There is a level of comfort and safety that cannot exist when we meet new people. There is also a tendency to lose a part of our own self, allowing the other person to take over those tasks or emotional traits needed in different circumstances. So, when we are apart we may miss those niceties and we may also feel a bit of relief being able to totally be ourself.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erica,
Love, what is that?
Something you eat, something you admire, something you play with?
Wow, what a topic, what a word. Love, at one time I was told that Love was the most beautiful word. That was long, long time a go and since then a lot have come along the pathway of life an so the true meaning of the word “Love” that I have imagined so long a go, took many beatings and almost forgot all about…
Your article reminded me a lot of what true love is.. what the word Love truly is… and wow, it feels great.. Thanks so muh for doing such a wonderful job to bring the true meaning of the word Love in the open for every one to be aware that LOVE is everything.. with out love nothing truly exist..
With out love… how in the world can we express ourselves with others and as you pointed out “our chosen love object reciprocates, responds favourably to our love requests”.. and what we receive, is measured just as we give out… wow, I can keep writing for ever here, this is a topic that never ends…
Thanks so much for sharing so much of what you know about the subject… I know that many people will benefit just as I did and probably more.
Thanks again.
_nickc
Nick,
Too many people, too much of the time, declare “I love you as long as you behave the way I expect, give me what I want and satisfy my needs.” Love is withdrawn when one or more of the above are not provided. But what is not often understood is that reciprocation may not happen in the time frame we expect, and it may never happen. By loving another we are enhancing our own capacity for love. We can shine our light but we do not have a guarantee that the other person is ready or willing to receive what we offer. But we give it anyway.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hello Erica,
Nice article once again. You have explained almost everything about love.
I’ve never been in love before…But I can imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food. 😛
Regards,
Amrik Virdi
Amrik,
I have never heard “being in love” described as being similar to the feeling you get when your waiter arrives with food. I think it might feel that way if you have been hungry, starving, and then you see the food arrive. And many people are starving for love, hungry to be touched and cuddled, and longing to have somebody care about them and even take care of them.
Love and the feelings involved can be so different for each one of us depending upon our current needs and our mindset.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Dr. Erica,
Wow, this is one of the most beautiful descriptions of love I’ve ever read. I recognize what you are saying because in the past I believe the reason I liked “being in love” was for my benefit. I have changed. Once I began to work on my personal self development and learn who I am and how I can best benefit others, that is when circumstances have taken a turn. It seemed to be gradual, but it really wasn’t. Everything started falling into place like dominos which include my business, my relationships, and my personal life. What caused my transformation was having time and solitude to discover who I am and recognizing that self-love is essential for true happiness and contentment.
The crazy, emotional “rose colored glasses” is not love. As you said, when the other person changes or doesn’t fulfill expectations, it’s easier to walk out the door and unfortunately, most relationships seem to end up that way. Statistics show a drastic increase in divorce and less and less people are getting married. If I’m wrong, please correct me.
You stated, “Love seeks to assist another person to return to self-love.” Self-love is just that. It isn’t selfish. It is a state of loving yourself. Only then can you truly benefit another person. When a person attains self-love, they are “complete.” Love is not about “finding the other half” but joining with another complete person with the sum result of two healthy, “complete” people. It is a joy to think I recognize the difference between loving in order to receive benefits and loving in order to share myself and lighten the burdens of another person. Like they saying says, “You’ve come a long way baby!” Thanks Dr. Erica!
Raena Lynn
Raena,
You Have come a long way. And once we truly understand how loving is really focused on the other person, bringing them back to self-love, doesn’t that make us step back and think again about the way we do business? The key to creating business relationships is to be loving, to be of service, to provide value and help the other to increase in some way – knowledge, skill, finances, self-esteem.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Love when unconditional is the most powerful transformational power, the biggest preset we can offer to someone.
The problem is that we tend to control things in love because often we fear t lose what we think the other person gives us.
Knowing we have infinite love inside of us we can give it unconditionally.
It takes inner work and letting go of our worst fears to be able to vibrate from this high vibration of love.
When we get there everything falls into place easily.
Thanks for sharing Dr Erica, I appreciate your posts as always.
Patricia,
I know I am talking about a high level of love that most people do not think is possible. Yet, as they let go of one piece then another of their fear and need to control, the love emerges and life becomes so much more of a joy every day.
I so appreciate your wisdom.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
It’s a fascinating subject which is emotional yet love is a quality…thanks for sharing Erica! x
Sarupa,
Love is an emotion, a feeling we have that can be wonderful, overwhelming and even painful when not reciprocated. Love is also a decision, a choice and an action. What many of us call “love” is often just neediness and concern for our own self rather than the other person.
Hi Dr Erica, “Come Home to Love” Great Message! ” Love” Yes it is a word with a lot of meaning HUH? We Love our parents, siblings, friends, spouse, children, then grandchildren, it never stops. What a Great Post Thanks for sharing Chery :0
Chery,
Yes, we love a lot of people – our family, friends, intimate partners. But how much of our love is based upon what they give to us and provide for us rather than what we can do and give to them?
Warmly,
Dr. Erica