I Loved Singing Romantic Love Songs….
As a lifelong learner and synthesizer, I have always loved to study a subject in depth and then study a slightly different approach to that same subject and then another approach. For example, when I learned guitar, I studied folk, jazz and joined a rock band course. Each new instructor thought that he or she had the secret to speeding up or accelerating my learning. But for me there was no way to rush the process. More recently I have heard that it takes 10,000 hours to become proficient in any activity or endeavor. And I had a sense of that way back then.
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I had studied guitar for 7 years and I knew that I needed 3 more years to finally be ready to start improvising with confidence. But as much as I loved playing my scales, crying as I sang and played my favorite romantic love songs, I made a decision to stop practicing with my guitar while finishing up my doctoral dissertation. I was on the path to studying all about love and I could not stop.
Make The Pain Go Away – Please….
Another example of my quest to know all I could learn about whatever interested me is when I started receiving body therapy sessions. I began by seeking the best type of body therapy to alleviate my physical symptoms, which were many, as I competed in and taught lots of sports and dance activities for many years. So I probably started by receiving massages but quickly found shiatsu, Neuromusuclar therapy and other forms of deep tissue massage including several series of painful Rolfing sessions. I also received and studied some very gentle methods, such as Trager and Seven Rays, Alexander Technique and the Feldenkrais Method. Deep breathing, rebirthing, and primal scream led to my quest for deeper understanding of my blocked and suppressed emotions. My emotional armoring was harshly broken into with many session of Bioenergetic Analysis and more gently nudged with Craniosacral Therapy, Somatoemotional Release and finally my main training that forms the basis of my work, the very gentle yet deeply powerful Rubenfeld Synergy Method of talk and touch. When I started my own mindbody therapy practice, I thought I could help cure my clients in one or two sessions. And then I realized that I had gone to see literally hundreds of different practitioners and none of them was able to heal and cure all of my problems in one session or 10 sessions. What was I thinking?
Building Wealth Online Will Be So Easy….
More recently, I developed a strong interest in learning more and more about how the internet works, what makes people successful online, why some people gather huge followings why others write wonderful blogs that nobody reads. As my interest has grown in this area, so has my attraction to, and belief in, many self-proclaimed online “gurus.” They promise that their unique method will take away years and years of struggle and help their students to quickly become rich and famous superstars online. Years and thousands of dollars later I realize that creating an online presence and building a following takes years of study, learning and developing the required skills. There is no quick and easy method that will painlessly take us from being a newbie to a successful accomplished entrepreneur with a huge following and an even larger bank account. There is a learning curve that cannot be avoided in any life pursuit.
If I Could Only Meet The Right Partner….
So, why do so many of us think that our most intimate relationships can and will and should happen instantly and last indefinitely? Why do we believe that if we could only meet the “right partner” our loving relationship will quickly blossom into lifelong passionate love? Why do we want to believe that the love of our life is just waiting to find us, with all of our nasty and unreasonable habits, and that there is very little we can do to accelerate love?
The partners we choose to be with, bond with and spend years together with can and will affect our sense of being loved. But not in the way most of us believe. Every person we meet is a mirror for us, reflecting back to us the way we are thinking, feeling and behaving in the world. Our thoughts are transmitted through our body posturing and our energetic fields. We may think we are being so loving but the other person may be picking something up from that we have no idea we are putting out there.
I watched beginning guitar players strum their guitars,apparently proud of their ability to play. The people listening, however, did not always appreciate the sounds. Similarly, often when I have taken a continuing education course in some form of body therapy, the touch of my fellow students does not always feel good. Since they are trying to do something new, their nervousness can yield strong tension that I feel as they attempt to practice the new skill on me as their partner. Through touch, we reveal so much about our thoughts and feelings, fears and insecurities, manipulative goals, and loving intentions. And we reveal all of that with our very presence. There is no place to hide. Our existence reveals who we are.
The Reality Is….
So, the next time you find yourself complaining about the men or women you are dating, living with, working with, playing with or just acquainted with, imagine that he or she is just a mirror, revealing to you who you are being in that moment. If you feel that the burden is too great, it is too difficult for you to see the world that way, then feel free to keep your blinders on. By not seeing the reality of the way the world is, you remain stuck in your familiar patterns. And you will continue to get the same results you have always gotten.
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Warmly,
Dr. Erica Goodstone
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This was a very powerful article. Sometimes it is very hard for us to be critical of ourselves. Using the mirror image example really is a reality check. Thank you for sharing.
Nathaniel,
Sometimes, the mirror is revealing what we are accepting and allowing rather than what we are being. But the people in our lives certainly provide us with all we need to understand ourselves and create the life and love we desire.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Very powerful discussion. Especially the last part… the reality is … being a mirror, or seeing your partner as a mirror that can tell you so much about yourself … I’ll have to think about this one …
Lesly,
I believe we choose a partner because we know they can teach us something that we need to learn about our own self. And then we get so upset with them and think they are causing us all sorts of problems. If we could only see our relationships from a higher, more distant perspective we would actually find it quite amusing.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Good post and a warning to the youth. These days true love is been competed with” love is blind”. Which way out. How do we guide against all these traps? I believed partners must understand and share pains and joy together. For better, for worse.
David,
You are so right. The media is teaching us to choose instant gratification without paying attention to warning signs of later complications and difficulties.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Excellent analogy Dr.Erica. I think society romanticizes love at first glance to the point that it becomes an obsession for some people. Earlier this week I read a book – it was a mystery/thriller but as so often seems to be the case these days the two main characters experienced “sudden, heart pounding attraction” and within a few pages were declaring their love for each other. I am all for passion, and am a great fan of sex, but after having been married for a number of years (and divorced) I have come to value genuine compassion, a sense of humor, trust and friendship along with the juicy stuff and it takes time to cultivate these in a relationship.
Marquita,
You are so right. The parts of a relationship that bring the sense of comfort, ease, joy, companionship, fun and day to day enjoyment of life together takes time to develop. The media teaches us that true love hits like a bolt of lightening and anything less than that is inferior. Relationships in the real world, however, soon teach us what really counts in matters of the heart.
Warmly.
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica,
Wonderful post. We learn these lessons as we grow older. If only we had the same knowledge about love and relationships when we are young.
Have a great day, Monna
Monna,
My beloved Uncle Herman had a saying he repeated often: “We grow too soon ault and too late schmart!” That is why I have spent my whole life, or a big portion of it, studying and refining my knowledge of love and relationships and what it takes to heal our body, mind and spirit.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Well, that could be a wake up call for a lot of people! I have long been an advocate of this thinking, that we mirror those around us and they mirror us. I am lucky to be able to step back and see another side to the situations in my life where others are involved. Thanks for sharing.
Enjoy the journey.
Mandy
Mandy,
It’s great that you are able to understand that so much of what comes to us from others is actually a response to our own output of energy, emotion, body language. It is so much easier to navigate all of our relationships when we develop this simple and deep awareness.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Mandy,
It can be a bit scary to realize that this other person is not reacting in a vaccum, that we are actually contributing
in some way to the other person’s attitudes and behaviors.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erika,
I luckily had the opportunity to marry a second time after losing my husband of 34 years to cancer. I made sure that I took my time and found someone that I would love to spend the rest of my life with. I did such a lousy job picking the first one (I was young and nieve) that I was very careful, and it paid off. We get along famously, because we respect each other’s wants and needs, something both of us learned through many years of hardship and heartache with our former partners. I LOVED you article, and hope to come back for more! Thank you for sharing!
Diane,
I believe it is not just that you found a more suitable partner. You probably chose your first husband because you were compatible in triggering and healing unresolved childhood needs and issues. And, over 34 years, you have finally been able to work through a lot of that and no longer needed to repeat the lessons. Your current husband probably did the same. So by the time you met, both of you were ready to create a truly loving and satisfying relationship.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica