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What’s in YOUR Relationship Healing Toolbox?
Are your current relationships pleasing and satisfying?
Could your most intimate relationship use some healing?
Do many of your other relationships require healing too?
Love makes the world go ’round.
When we love others and feel loved in return, we are uplifted, inspired and happy. But when the love we desire is denied, when we feel betrayed, rejected, disappointed or even bored, our mood may plummet toward sadness and depression or escalate into anger and rage.
When love seems to be missing from our life yet others appear to be filled with love and surrounded by love, we may feel jealous and inferior. We may wonder why we cannot seem to get and keep the love that others naturally enjoy.
Why do some people thrive in relationships while others struggle with great difficulty? There is a simple answer. Those who create successful relationships tend to have a relationship healing style that works while those who have great difficulty are probably missing a few of the skills, attitudes and tools needed for success.
9 Handy Tools for Your Relationship Healing Toolbox
1. Choice Calculator
Do you have a system for choosing the people you accept into your life? And do you have a consistent way to eliminate those who are not aligned with your life goals?
2. Truth Detector
Are you in contact with your own inner guide? Are you able to use your intuition and intellect to decipher the truth in your communications with significant others?
3. Emotional Diffuser
Do you have a concrete and proven way to label and express your emotions, in the moment, without interpretation or emotional charge? And do you have a way to gently assist others to clarify and diffuse their unbalanced emotions?
4. Response Reframer
Are you able to recognize your automatic responses and to instantly find a more productive way to respond and handle the situation?
5. Body Language Decorder
Can you easily recognize the emotions and attitudes revealed by your own and another person’s body language?
6. Listening Aid
Are you able to listen beyond the words, to hear the words not being said, and to understand the meaning of what you are hearing from a more comprehensive perspective?
7. Communication Charm
Are you able to influence the other person, soothe their fears and doubts and encourage the best outcome for all involved?
8. Love Meter
How do you measure your moment to moment love actions and their immediate as well as long term effects?
9. Love Boomerang
Are you willing to give love, even when it does not seem appreciated or reciprocated, trusting that love is already returning to you, but possibly from a different person or another direction?
Get the Complete Relationship Healing Toolbox Here.
Get the Healing Through Love Audio Series Now.
CONTACT ME FOR A FREE CONSULTATION.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica Goodstone
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Hi Erica, love the tool box. I don’t think I use all of these and those I do use I probably don’t use to such great effect. Very good descriptions thougha nd I must work on some!
Enjoy the journey!
Hi Mandy,
I had such fun creating that tool box. We can all benefit from using those tools consistently.
Relationships flourish when we are clear about what we want and need and pay attention to what the other person
wants and needs, moment to moment, and then sometimes negotiate – but from a place of strength and neutrality whenever possible.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Dr. Erica,
great tools.
I could have done with a choice calculator in the past and I am glad that I am much more discriminate now.
Not so sure what to make of the idea of measuring love actions. You probably didn’t mean it the way I am interpretating it. I like the thought of ‘giving’ without an attachment to the outcome. And I am open to learning from the results.
Thank you for your very insightful post!
Love and Light!
Yorinda
Yorinda,
When I say to measure your love actions, I don’t mean in terms of measuring in order to get specific results via manipulation. What I am suggesting is self-reflection, paying attention to the way other people are affected by what you consider your love actions. The other person may not feel the love that you think you are offering. Maybe there is some small adjustment you can make to help the other person to feel your love.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Yes, that is what I kind of had a feeling you meant and I think a very valuable thing to do.
An exercise I once did is to ask the other person what they want to be acknowledged for and then acknowledge them for that.
We all have different ‘love receptors’.
Thanks for the clarification, Dr. Erica!
Yorinda, I love the term “Love Receptors” and it is so true, we all have different ways of perceiving the love that is given to us.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
That is a great box of tools for measuring relationships. Without realizing it, I have been practising most, if not all, of them, for most of my life. I rely heavily on someone’s body and facial clues while in conversation with someone. That’s the most frustrating thing about internet friendships. They’re just as real, but the body language is missing. But with all the other tools in the toolbox, we can have just as real friendships online as we can face-to-face.
Willena
Willena,
You bring up a good point about online friendships. True, when we only know someone through reading their blog posts and exchanging comments or even by listening to their voice on skype or a phone, we are missing the body language. But when we add video and live streaming in hangouts and webinars, we really do get to know each other in a real and authentic way.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
What a great list of tools to check in with when one is concerned about how things may or may not work…
I have learned that when being loved in return, it is perhaps not the same as I would expect, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there… We don’t all love the same way and therefore if what I am receiving isn’t what I expect, doesn’t mean that it isn’t great love. We are all in a different spot in our journeys and we can’t all give and receive love the same way. Which i’m sure is all part of the learning and using the tools you have mentioned.
Holly,
So true that even if someone loves us dearly, the way they express and show their love may be completely different. Often, each partner feels unloved because of those differences. This is where words, emotions, tone and body language play a big role. And the quality of touch can heal lots of emotional misunderstandings.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Ugh…I think No. 9, Love Boomerang is difficult. Unreciprocated love can be painful for us..it does not seem far (NOT that things are supposed to be fair). In romantic relationships I think it is important to accept when you are not loved back. But it is more important to feel that we are lovable and the other person was not an ideal match.
In order to attract the ideal partner, one that reciprocates our love, we must believe and feel that we are completely lovable. Not everyone in the world needs to love me, of course, but I must love me. When I am feeling ’emotionally healthy’ I even tell myself that anyone would be absolutely crazy not to love me 🙂
Rachel,
Even if I am the most incredibly loving, caring and exciting person in the world, not everybody will want or need what I have to offer. Someone who has been abused may find my openness and loving nature to be totally threatening because of an inability to trust. Someone who desires to meet a champion tennis player, a celebrated ballerina, a movie star, or something else that I am not, will not respond to me with love and appreciation. But I can still love that person with all my heart, giving and caring, trusting and knowing that the right person is out there, waiting and wanting to me someone just like me. That is the Love Boomerang. One of my spiritual teachers, Ken Keyes, Jr., a quadriplegic, shared a poignant story of how he overcame jealousy for the woman he loved who was in love with someone else.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Wow, what an interesting list of ‘tools’ Dr Erica.Reading through them, I really thought about my relationship – and, as it happens, I’ve been recognising some aspects of our communication lately and my responses to certain words and behaviours – and I see some of those reflected in your toolbox, particularly the automatic responses.
Thank you for this marvellous information:)
Jacs
Jacs,
Hi. Thanks for stopping by to read my blog. We all slip into those automatic responses and taking our partner for granted. It’s great that you’ve begun to pay attention to your communication. Just a small shift your style of communicating can make a huge difference for both of you.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Thanks Mohssen, for making aware about these wonderful Tools for Toolbox! I do think it’s a big hug list of userful Tools to use.
Maneesha,
Glad you found these relationship tools useful.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Great tools Erica,
I think as well If I am in good relationship with myself
everything falls in place ,
I give love and trust it will return 🙂
Erika,
True. The relationship we have with our own self determines so much of what happens in all of our relationhips. But that is often not enough. We do have to be aware of the needs and desires and unspoken wishes of others as well.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Great post. I find all those tools come more naturally when I have a great relationship with myself first. When that relationship works well, all the others seem to fall in place.
Mary,
You are so right. When my relationship with myself is in good shape, I am so much more friendly, receptive and forgiving of others. But when I am feeling upset in any way, I become less tolerant. The key is to find a way to self-soothe and bring yourself into equilibrium quickly.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
You have given me much food for thought here, Erica. I have a great relationship with my partner but that is no reason to become complacent, is it? If things start going wrong then if you have not used these tools before it would be so much harder to get them to work effectively. If the other person has put up barriers they are less likely to be responsive to your own behavior and attitude.
Sue,
My immediate response is this: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Since you are happy in your relationship it seems that you have developed some relationship tools that are working well for both of you. No need to rock the boat and change something that is already working well.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Thank you for your reassurance Erica.
Sue,
You are most welcome.
Hi Erica,
I enjoyed reading your post. As you know my husband has passed away but it seemed that we had the “special tools” that you write about in your post. We only had a short time together but it seemed that we fit together perfectly. Not that we were perfect and maybe I have a tendency to look back on our relationship a little differently than I would if he were still here.
We seemed to know how to avoid misunderstandings and arguments. Just reading your post has brought back some great memories. Thank you. Monna .
Monna,
What a wonderful gift to find a partner that brings out the best in you and with whom the communication is easy. It seems that you do have some strong relationship tools but so did he. Sorry to hear about your loss but it is true that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. You have those sweet memories to rely on for comfort and ease.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Love that “Love Boomerang” idea! If we could all really get this truth there would be so many happier people!
My Achilles heel is my response reframing ability… or should I say inability. I try to catch myself but so often go down the same bad roads when presented with similar situations. My husband is the same way but we’ve come up with a way to help each other… we call it “leaping” when we jump to conclusions based on old habits so we can diffuse most situations now by asking, “Are you leaping?” This gives the other person a second chance to reframe their response. I’ve also noticed that once one or the other of us has admitted to leaping the other is also a lot more compassionate in their own responses. A win all the way around!
Thanks for all the great tips!
Kathy,
I love your use of “leaping.” Isn’t it interesting that once we are aware of what we are doing and the other person realizes we are aware, that the whole dynamic can change.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
It sometimes seem daunting that you have to put on so many hats to maintain a relationship.. and I think a lot of people forget that they need to work on making the best of it while putting those hats on, but I think of it as a challenge to overcome… No matter the relationship, whether friend, family, or partner.
Nile,
I sometimes say that we often have to be a therapist within our relationships to keep them at a high level of cooperation, love and intimacy. Much of the time there is no issue, but when problems arise we get tested and tested. The way we handle those moments can actually make or break a relationship. However, the longer we are connected to someone, the bond may be much stronger than the temporary inappropriate reaction or behavior. But all of this makes life and relationships interesting.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
What a great concept! These are each such important tools I’m not sure which I find the most compelling, but since communication is such a key factor in relationships I’d have to say any tools that we can use to improve that would be worth it’s weight in gold!
Marty,
I agree that any tools we have are useful and we can always add additional tools through learning from others, reading, counseling or therapy, or just through life experience. But probably the best teacher is our relationship with others – if we pay attention and learn the lessons.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica