So You’ve Got Holiday Relationship Blues
Sadness (Photo credit: Daniel*1977) at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
- You have no close family or friends and you will be spending the holidays alone
- The love of your life just walked out on you and is already with someone else
- Your finances are in bad shape and your credit cards are at the limit
- Your addiction has gotten worse and you are about to lose everything you value
- Someone you love is ill or recently passed on
- You just received a poor diagnosis and are facing illness, surgery or worse
- Your children have stopped talking to you or they live so far away now
- ….
Do You Really Believe YOU are the ONLY Person Feeling Sad?
I know, everywhere you look all you can see are smiling faces, groups of people socializing, laughing and sharing wonderful times. You hear bells ringing, happy holiday songs on loudspeakers, happy Christmas stories on TV, people rushing around buying just the right holiday gifts for their loved ones. But YOUR loved one is no longer with you, no longer acknowledges and appreciates you. Maybe you just don’t have the money to spend on gifts or you are convinced that nobody will be buying you a gift this year.
Whatever the cause of your holiday relationship blues, rest assured YOU ARE NOT ALONE. It is well known that the stress and anxiety of the holiday season may cause even those who are usually quite content to feel less than their usual optimistic, happy self. You may blame your family for something they have not done. You may start questioning the quality of your current relationships. And probably the most common thing to do is to compare yourself and your life, at this time of year, to all those you see around you.
6 Ways to Overcome Your Holiday Relationship Blues – and Only 2 That Work
- Drown your sorrows in alcohol. Go to a nearby pub and hang out every day (after work if you are still working or start early if you’re out of work). Find some steady drinking buddies to share your woes and laugh and do some ridiculous and silly things you would never do while sober. So what if you damage the table by dancing on it topless. At least you’ll be having fun.
- Volunteer at a local Exotic Dance Club. If you’re an attractive woman, speak to the manager and offer your services for free, just to help raise your spirits and dance for men who will praise your beauty. If you’re an attractive or adventurous man, spend time there, letting the young beautiful women flatter you while you spend hundreds of dollars pleasing them. Your spouse wants you to be happy so he or she won’t mind.
- Disturb your neighbors. Put your dog outside and encourage it to bark loudly. Blast your music loud. Trash your neighbor’s holiday decorations. Call them to complain each time one of your neighbors is having a party. After all, if you can’t join in the fun at least you can spoil it for others.
- Schedule doctor appointments to complain. Blame your depression, on a rare disease. Make sure to warn each doctor that if they don’t figure out the cause you plan to sue them. Remember, you’re jealous that they have so many patients and are making so much money. It’s not fair.
- Give to others. Contact people you haven’t spoken to in awhile and tell them why what you appreciate about them. Buy unexpected gifts for your friends and family, for your hairdresser, car mechanic, landlord, broker, accountant, coach or therapist, or for anyone with whom you have regular contact. Give a waitress a double tip. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Volunteer at a church or synagogue, hospital, senior citizen home, or your favorite charity organization. Offer your assistance at your local animal shelter or better still, adopt a pet.
- Use your time alone to educate yourself and to share with others. Read books, watch videos, discover the reasons why you are feeling alone and sad while others seem to be so happy. Talk to a therapist, even for a few sessions, to share your worries, fears, insecurities, beliefs and dreams for your future. Find a local or online support group to exchange thoughts and feelings with like-minded others. If you can’t find a group, then start your own. Visit some local meetups to connect with others.
Do you realize that Your Attitude Can Age You, make you sick or healthy and it can and will change the way you experience your life and you always can change your attitude. Don’t pass by a lemonade stand. Write your thoughts and let your creativity emerge.
You Can Choose to Celebrate, Self-Destruct or Lash Out at Others.
- You can choose to drown your sorrows in alcohol or drugs.
- You can choose to make others unhappy because of your sadness.
- Or – you can find a way to offer your services and help another person or persons to feel a little bit better because you did something for them.
What do YOU plan to do during this holiday season?
Please share your holiday plans in the comments below and any suggestions you may have to help those who are feeling depressed to find a way out of the blues.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica Goodstone
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Maneesha,
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Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hello Dr. Erica,
A wonderful post. In my times of sadness I have always gone to people who I know could support me in the way necessary.I would often go to a friend of mine who has dealt with, or is dealing with, their depression.
Having a more positive outlook on life can help sometimes, but for those who have thought positive just to have everything negative happen in the situation they are in, being positive just doesn’t seem to work for them anymore, and they resort to some form of release, and sometimes the only road they see in their darkened, lonely life, is more pain, sadness, and sometimes death… It is a very sad thing to have happen, but unfortunately it does… Sometimes I find myself struggling to have a more positive outlook toward life, but then my partner, or one of my family members reminds me that my life is not so bad, or as bad as I may perceive it to be.
For a person who feels they have absolutely no one to go to, I suggest that they try to find someone. Search for someone they can trust and not be alone anymore. Look for someone who may seem to be in a situation similar, and give them suggestions based on what you have experienced, and ask them if they have any pointers or things they do to try coping with their sorrow. It will take a while, for you to trust them completely, but once you do, life will seem just a tiny bit brighter.
These are my suggestions for those who feel sad or alone. They may not work for everyone. I hope they work for someone even if it is just a little bit. Cheers!
Ashton
Ashton,
You have a lot of wisdom for your age. Sometimes a person feels as if there is nobody to turn to. But just one human being, maybe even a total stranger can soothe the emotional pain one is feeling at the moment. That little bit of empathy can go a long way.
The problem I find is when other people do not empathize but reprimand the person for feeling sad and tell them to just be positive. Emotions can take over and cloud one’s perspective temporarily. Loving kindness works best.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica. Great list. I think I’ll try No. 2. My husband used to do taxes for the dancers of the local club, and they made lots of money. Of course, the guys might pay me just to put on some clothes LOL.
I married a man who doesn’t like holidays – he doesn’t remember any specific holidays when he was a child, but he feels pain. We just kind of ignore them. Our present to each other for all holidays and birthdays is our annual cruise. We get presents for my daughter and her family, but that’s about it. I used to make a big deal out of holidays and wore myself out. It just wasn’t worth it.
I celebrate the birth, life, and resurrection of Jesus Christ all year long. It’s just not about a date on a calendar.
All the best,
Leslie
Leslie,
A lot of people make a big fuss about holidays and yet there is more sadness at this time of year than at many other times. Having a deep spiritual connection, feeling the love of God and trusting that you are being guided and cared for is all that any of us really need.
Wishing you a happy and healthy new year.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Well said Dr. Erica. The holidays can be a rough time for many reasons – certainly when one is alone, but maybe there’s an illness, or family is far away or even the recent passing of a loved one. But as adults we can choose to create our own reality and that begins with attitude. Personally one of my favorite “feel good” triggers is to pay it forward by lending a helping hand. There are few things that will warm your heart faster than bringing a genuine smile of happiness and gratitude to someone in need.
Marquita,
You are so right. Nothing can make you feel better about life than helping someone in their moment of need. Today I helped an 80 year old man to reframe his “failure” to pass a license continuing ed exam into an awareness of how fortunate he IS to have a beloved wife for over 50 years, a son who is a successful Pediatrician, a daughter who is concerned about him and a family nearby that he can enjoy the holidays with.
Marty, Hope you have a blessed and happy holiday.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Dr Erica,
You have reminded that we may be in the best of moods in the festive season and a welcoming new year but there may be people who are facing tough times.Nice & bold tips you have given to cope up with the loneliness and other issues which anyone of us can be facing at one time or the another.Thanks.
Have a wonderful week ahead.
Nitesh,
Just a reminder to be grateful for the family, health, good times that you have as you realize that many people around the globe are not as fortunate. And if you can help in some way, just do it.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
This was a lovely reminder that just because you might be feeling great over the holidays – that there may be those around you that are having a tough time – and to take time during this busy season to be especially aware of those in your circle who may be in need.
Marty,
It is so important to be aware of others who might benefit from a little extra kindness, not just during the holidays but all year long. Each of us makes such a difference in other people’s lives that we don’t always realize that.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Dr. Erica,
Good read and I love the 6 ways tips.
I am going to spend the holiday with my family and look at life at a more positive way. There are so many negative news in the media these days and we can choose to filter what we input into our mind to create good mental health. Yes .. I will be reading and continue learning this holiday season.
Justin,
I find that we need to continue reading and get ouselves immersed in positive thinking and surround ourselves with positive people, just to stay in a positive state of mine. Spending time with family can be wonderful and it can also bring you back to an earlier time and a different mindset. Glad to hear you plan to continue reading this holiday season.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica…I love how you have brought in humour to what is a serious topic…I have found at times when life was tricky for me I had to learn to receive, as people around me felt like they wanted to invite me to spend the holidays with them but at times when we feel isolated the barriers can go up…and thankfully we have an open house – there is always room for one more… Merry Christmas to you and thank you for your wisdom that you share!
Sarupa,
Wonderful that you have an open house and feel that there is always room for one more. If only the world was more like that all year long. We have become such an isolating society with so many people living on the fringe without much family and less and less connection. I have seen that with older people as their friends die off.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
It is very, very hard for a lot of people during the holidays for many different reasons. I do miss the traditions we shared in our family but they are not the same any longer. Too many gone.
I do have family but we have our celebration time a few days before Christmas, so usually doing nothing on Christmas Day, so it still feels a little lonely but as so many have said, it could be worse and some people do have it worse.
Just this week I was sitting waiting for a prescription to be filled and someone asked if I had any money to help him get his prescription. At first I thought of telling him “No” because I wanted to stop and get something to eat on the way home but then I decided, he may just be telling me a story to get money.
I decided I would give the money to him and I am believing that he will use the money for what he intended. I told him Merry Christmas and I hoped he felt better. I did not really have the money to spare but I feel good about helping him.
I really hate that we are in times that there is even a question of whether we should help another person in need.
Monna,
You are so right. It is a shame to have to question whether someone who appears to be in need is perhaps faking it. But you went with your heart, not just your mind. Hopefully he used the money for what he said he needed. if not, at least you gave from the heart and giving without expectation is what love is all about.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erica,
I could not help while reading your article and the 6 ways to cope with the relationship blues tips.., and that was very strong.
YOU TRULY CARE for people.. you truly want to help and support them.. you just LOVE,,, wow, THANKS so much Dr. Erica, I am certain many will benefit a lot fro your tips but most of all from the energy that you poured into it when you wrote them or thought about them.
I have been used to very good and not so good relationships almost each year different.. so my friend, I am fine no matter how things turn out and you know what. lately they have been pretty good because I feel at easy knowing I am fine as i am and all my loved one are fine as well..
Last year I spend more time then ever meditating around the holidays and boy was I happy haha 🙂
So what will come up this year? I pray to God that everyone is in good health, safe and happy.. the rest will be fine as it will be with God as our Guide.
THANKS again so much for supporting so many with this serious issue.. hope more people will read about, especially the one that truly need it.
_nickc
Meditating is a wonderful way to overcome the blues or any other emotion or obsessive thought pattern. As we continue to be still and listen for the small voice within or just let our thought run freely and slowly subside, we cannot help but come to a peaceful place. There is so much in life that we really cannot control so we need to learn how to appreciate being alive and take the good with the bad, and be okay with it.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica,
well I have a challenge during the holidays just because I miss my parents and a brother, who died several years ago. But I know creating new traditions is a good thing to do and helps my attitude about the holidays fair better. It’s such a festive time … so and I love putting a smile on my son’s face 🙂 I choose to celebrate 🙂
Lesly,
Life has so many ups and downs, good times and bad, loss and sadness, and also celebration and joy. We can choose to celebrate and feel gratitude for what we do have, now, rather than focusing on the sorrow of days gone by and our many losses.
Glad you are choosing to celebrate.
Ah, I remember spending more than my fair share of holidays alone. Well, not ever really alone…more like not being able to be with the one I loved so I had to love the ones I was with.
If we weren’t going skiing, I might consider volunteering at my local exotic club 🙂 Love that one!
Rachel,
I miss those skiing days, the aches and pains soothed with some hot chocolate or hot cider, and then the dancing at night to live music.
I’d take that any day over an Exotic Dance Club.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
These are too funny Erica! All kidding aside though, I know how difficult the holidays can be for many people.
It’s a time when we really need to pay attention to those around us and be a comfort where and when we can. There’s no reason so many should spend the holidays alone when each of us has the ability to open our hearts and our homes.
Rebekah,
That is a beautiful sentiment, to open your home and your heart to others who may be feeling down and all alone. Even just a warm smile and some kind words can help.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
I know when I got my divorce, I had a really bad time during that first Christmas alone. I cried and stayed home, but I also called my folks and my son to get out of that funk.
I definitely agree that it takes an attitude change.
Nile,
It does take an attitude change to help yourself out of an emotional funk. You reached out to those who could comfort and support you which is exactly what helped you feel better.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
This time of the year is tough for a lot of people. Based on my first comment… I hope in the future to pay it forward in the way that my family and friends did for me.
Nile,
If we could only all think the way you do and pay it forward, watch out for each other and give without having to be asked….
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Thanks for the chuckles! I laughed out loud about taking the neighbors decorations down! My neighbors and I spent yesterday morning cleaning up the yard for one of our neighbors who just doesn’t get around as good as he used to.. it was a true joy to come together in this way so yes, #5 is really where it is at.
I understand that this time of year is really tough for a lot of people and I really wish I could help. Never having had an issue with depression myself I have to say I really don’t understand it and feel really incompetent when I run into someone who suffers from it.
Kathy,
So it is most appropriate that you write about Bliss Habits. You obviously have always had habits that bring you bliss instead of sadness. Many others are not so fortunate. Life hands people some real difficulties and they either don’t have support, feel all alone and have difficulty reaching out, or they have the wrong kind of support which leads them toward destruction or self-destruction.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
I thought that the volunteer dancing was a good idea but not the exotic type. Maybe belly dancing instead – I have the belly for it.
I tried to give the carpet cleaner a Christmas tip last week but he would not take it but he was pleased that it was offered.
What great ideas you have given for helping others. I really feel for those who are alone or in financial difficulty at this time of year.
Sue,
I love your idea of belly dancing, especially for women (although in some cultures the men can be quite skilled belly dancers). The point is to find a way to feel good or to help others and in doing so your own spirits will improve.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
I really like #5. The past year and a half have been tough for me, and I have noticed a tendency to withdraw and not want to make the effort to give of myself — either by talking or even by writing. It used to be easy to write, but now it comes at a cost — it takes emotional energy, and I seem to be short on it these days. But the way to get spontaneity again is to do what seems difficult right now. Overcoming inertia is always hard, but once you start moving, it gets easier.
Willena
Willena,
What you are saying is interesting to me because I was also writing easily in many different venues in the past yet this year I started finding it more challenging to write. For me it may be that I have begun focusing more directly on healing relationships, even though I know a lot about healing through exercise, food, body therapy, emotions, affirmations, etc. But giving to others never goes out of style and almost always leads to feeling uplifted and energized.
Erica
When I get these feelings I always look around and tell myself someone has it worst than I do. People ask why I always smile I do it because someone may be having a bad day and that smile and hello might make there day.
Allen,
I watched a video a few weeks ago showing 2 young men who had stolen some pigs. They were tied to a perpendicular pole, beaten with sticks, dragged in the street, dragged through the water, their faces stepped on. It was one of the worst things I have ever seen. Whenever I am upset, I recall those 2 poor men who probably stole because they were poor and hungry. Life can be so wonderful and sometimes so cruel. Gratitude for what we have right now is the key to successful living.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erica,
This is such a disruptive time of the year, not only for those in emotional distress, but for us all. The status quo has been affected, things are not as they normally are and it takes strong coping mechanisms to plow through until January.
On the lighter side, what fun you must have had dreaming up the 4 that don’t work. Funny and very entertaining.
I love number 4. What a fantastic idea to dump on another.
Happy Holidays to you!
RICK
Rick,
It IS a disruptive time of year and there is so much talk of parties, celebrating and family get togethers that those who do not have much social life can feel even more alone and isolated. Some do choose destructive ways to handle their upset emotions while others find creative ways to get connected and enjoy the holidays. And some use the time just to catch up on odds and ends.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Erica,
I can’t stop laughing picturing myself dancing on tables! But on a serious note, this is the time where there are more suicides and people get those holiday blues.
It is always good to know that you are not alone! Even when I’m happy and enjoying myself during the holidays, a song will come on or something may trigger a lost loved one and I get down for a few moments.
But there are many out there who have no one. Many who are going through financial problems or illnesses. And all around there are bombarded with holiday cheer! That makes it worse!
The one thing I found that lifted my spirits when I was having a year full of loved ones that have died, was to get out and volunteer in a soup kitchen.
I wasn’t in the mood to celebrate because I was going through the mourning process. So I went and spent my time serving people and that was one of the best holidays I ever had.
-Donna
Donna,
That is beautiful to volunteer to help others – at a soup kitchen or in a hospital or senior living facility. And it warms my heart that you describe that as the best holiday you have had – the time you chose to serve others instead of wallowing in your own sadness over your losses. There is always someone who can benefit from your service if you look around and are prepared to help.
Warmly,
Erica