Loving is Our Most Natural State.
Observe any baby smiling, cooing and giggling with delight at mommy, daddy and strangers. Most animals are also naturally loving to members of their own species – and often that affection extends to other species and to humans. Even ferocious lions and tigers have been known to “love” the humans who nurtured them since infancy.
Hey Girl Baby ABCs_of_Love (Photo credit: @fredsko)
Animals love easily and effortlessly and will aggressively defend the ones they love. Humans, on the other hand, often develop convoluted love. They may feel love at moments and then allow their thoughts and emotions to interfere with and block that love. Their behavior may appear to be exactly the opposite of love, but if asked about it they may say with confidence “I love him” or “I love her.”
The A,B,C’s of love are simple, logical and natural ways of being – if we allow ourselves the freedom to love.
The Art of Love
We begin with the ART OF LOVE, the creative process through which we learn to accept our self and others. Love is an all or none phenomenon. When we love, nothing else exists. It is not an accident that the word for love begins with the first letter of the alphabet in French “amour” and in Spanish “amar”. Love is the root of life and needs to be attended to, nurtured and practiced. The activity of love bring out our aliveness, alleviates our pain and suffering and armors us with the strength to overcome obstacles. Love requires autonomy, self-knowledge and self-acceptance.
Believe in Love
We BELIEVE IN LOVE, knowing we belong from the time we are a baby. Relationships become a bridge to bringing and building better and more brilliant love. if we treat love like a business, we pay attention to our customers and make every effort to service their needs, without neglecting our own. We behave in ways that bring joy and blessings to all involved. Our love is big and broad, encompassing all of humanity and all of God’s creations.
Choose to Create Love
We CHOOSE TO CREATE LOVE with the certainty that it is possible and the clarity that our love matters. Knowing the cause and effect of loving or witholding love, we communicate caring, concern and a willingness to collaborate with others. Our love remains constant and continues despite the difficulties we encounter in any circumstance. We use caution with our words and actions, confront our self before confronting anyone else, and provide a sense of safety, acceptance and appreciation in our interactions with others.
Imagine if everyone followed these simple A,B,C’s of Love? How much easier and happier would your life be? Please take a moment to share your thoughts and feelings below. And feel free to add some additions to the simple A,B,C’s.
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Warmly,
Dr. Erica Goodstone
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I love your example of a baby. Babies love unconditionally, and don’t care about the faults or inadequacies of their caregivers. The analogy in my mind falls short, becasue babies don’t have the discernment to know if a particular caregiver is not worthy of their love. Hopefully we who are older would have that discernment before beginning a relationship. But once that decision is made, would that we would have that unconditional love of a baby!
Willena
Willena,
The problem, as I see it, that many adults have in relationships is that the other person does not live up to expectations. It could be the promises that the person made or it could be our own beliefs and demands, but the person seems to fall short and we become disillusioned.
We think “This is an adult. He or she SHOULD know better, behave better….” But actually, we are all just adult children. Our emotions are just as fragile as when we were children. The difference is that children let them go, shift instantly when distracted. But adults harbor the feelings, reflect upon the feelings, and exacerbate the intensity of them. If we become more like children, forgive the flaws of others, giggle and find ways to play together, we can return to love so much more easily.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
I got stuck on the word “worthy”. It implies one has to pass a test in order to be judged lovable. Though I agree some people are not ideal long-term partners in any sense, I have loved many people (some for a day, some for a moment cuddling a baby, some for a fleeting shared rapture watching a sunset) that I would not want to move in with. That doesn’t lessen the quality of the love. I wonder if too often we equate love with forever and miss out on many loving moments throughout our lives. There are too many forms of love and ways of expressing love to catalog. I believe an accepting, open, loving heart is vitally important to an ongoing serial loving state of being. On the other hand, to sustain love when in constant proximity of a loved one takes mutual respect and consideration.
Mary
Mary,
You are right. We do not have to be “worthy” of love, our spirit is pure love. All we need to do is tap into the love inside, but so many of us have difficulty doing that. It is especially difficult, sometimes, with those closest to us. We really do have a much bigger capacity for love, and like you said that does not mean we have to move in together.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Thank you Erica,
I think loving you kid or loving cute animals is somehow a natural gift which comes easy,but to love yourself you have to be clear about yourself and it takes time ,many people seem to struggle with this.And some even mix up self love with egoism. but if we do not love our self we may not be able to love others really .Many people need to get first aware of this ,just a few days ago I have been chatting with a friend who is disabled and we talked about this ,he does not love himself and I told him I love you how you are and ask you mom she loves you ,you are here for a reason like this.I see him still struggle,waiting for him to start to talking again. I know it takes time and he burried himself in games.Not easy 🙂
Erika,
You are so right that probably the hardest task is to learn to love our own selves. There is a man in my building who has one leg and at the beach you can see his metal let – which he does not hide. Today he heard me struggling to open the outside door and he rushed to assist. I look at him and do not see disability. I see a man who has inner confidence and is strong. I don’t know what caused him to lose his leg but my belief is that it happened in some way that we was being a strong man – maybe in the armed forces.
Life is the great equalizer. No matter how healthy, happy, secure and feeling loved that anybody is at this moment, it can all change at another moment. Having a disability can instill compassion for others once we begin to accept our own self.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
I wish it were that easy for everyone to follow the ABCs of love. The rich, and most fulfilling piece of this is self-love. I have come much closer to this over the years and it’s through relationships with others that I’ve discovered the wealth of self-love. It’s not easy, and even though I’ve discovered and experienced this, it’s a struggle at times. As a result though, I can accept people more easily, let go of certain things, and just know it’s all a learning, life experience. My greatest teachers are my husband and my son.
Lesly,
True, it does all begin with self-love. As you have pointed out, as we develop more love and acceptance and appreciation of our own self then we become more accepting of others. We are all experiencing life, attempting to navigate through ups and downs, struggles and disappointments, and we learn the most through our intimate relationships with others, usually with those closest to us.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Dr. Erica,
yes, wouldn’t it be nice if everyone would live with these principles that you have outlined here? Then we would grow up having this kind of love modelled to us!
Loving ourselves is something we may have developed through having experienced love as a child, if not it is crucial that we learn it, otherwise it wouldn’t be easy to love others.
Thank you so much for sharing your valuable insights!
Love and Light
Yorinda
Yorinda,
You are so right. If we grow up feeling loved, it is so much easier for us to love others. But if we do not grow up feeling loved, we are expected to just magically love without having the internal sense or the tools to help us navigate the trials and tribulations of giving and receiving love.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Erica,
I enjoyed reading your post. It really made me think back on the fact that I don’t think I really knew what love (man and woman) was until I met my husband. My first husband was part of my Cinderella dream and ended up being totally opposite.
My 2nd husband, in the short amount of time we had together (before his passing) showed me what real love was. I miss him so very much.
Thank you for bringing back a wonderful time and feeling for me.
I have a 23 year old son who has Fragile X Syndrome and he has taught me more about love than any other person. He loves unconditionally, finds some good in everyone, and is full of empathy for others. Although adult in many ways he has retained many childlike ways, perhaps because he does not have the complex thought processes that can sometimes mess up our sense of self.
On the opposite end of the scale I have a step daughter who has psychological problems that make her very needy. I think you have summed it up very well when you say to be able to love you need autonomy, self knowledge and self acceptance. Until this starts to happen I don’t think that she can start to heal.
Sue,
That is beautiful that you realize you have learned so much from your son. I have a cousin who had been given too much oxygen in an incubator and suffered brain damage. She also does not have complex thinking. She can remember all sorts of facts and dates that most of us can’t. But she sees the world in black and white – very little gray – which can be difficult on the people she is closest to.
You are so right, our complex thinking processes can mess us up – along with the messages we receive from the complex thinking processes of others.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Allot of people do not know how to express true love. We have commercialized love so many ways without sharing it through our gratitude for one another.
Love, being on so many levels yet simple love is from the heart. When loved it gives us a warmth that we are compelled to relive. I love being loved and share it each chance I get.
How, about making others feel as we do when knowing we are truly loved by those who express it in actions of kindness, selflessness and support.
Thank you Dr. Erica and great share.
William,
I like what you said “How, about making others feel as we do when knowing we are truly loved by those who express it in actions of kindness, selflessness and support.” Instead of holding on, keeping it private and hoarding love, why not share it openly and freely with others, those who may not be as fortunate as us to be able to give and receive love.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
This kind of reminds me of the word love itself. In Spanish, you have several ways to say it. One version is close to like, another is normal love, and the other is in love or sometimes a divine love.
I noticed some other languages do that too… but English, we tend to stick like or love and then the message is misunderstood. Some people get caught up in making love more than it should, rather than keep it simple.
Nile,
You are right. In the English language we do not have words to describe the nuances of love. Greek has several different words for different types of love: friendship – filia, passionate love – eros, affection – storge, and spiritual love – agape.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
What a lovely article!
It can be impossible to believe 100 percent if one does not see the evidence of it–that takes faith, right? Many give up if they do not see it right in front of them and think that it must not be happening. Is the remedy to open up to the possibility of something new and then taking action? What we see has nothing to do with what potential we have for love. It can only be there if we hold the strong image of what we want in our mind. Use the will towards self–hold that image in the mind regardless of external circumstances. And then everything shifts.
Rachel,
Most of us think that “What you see is what you get.” However, what we see is just the mask, the appearance that someone is presenting. We need to see each other with softer, more accepting eyes. We need to look beneath the surface to the possibilities that are there and can emerge with enough love.
Many people have been damaged emotionally – scarred, repressed, abused, suppressed. They learn a certain way of thinking and acting as a protection to prevent the pain of being hurt and unloved – again. But underneath, most of us are longing for love. A partner who is able to stay the course, keep giving love when it feels as if there is none left – and then giving some more – just may be able to crack the exterior and reach into the tender heart of even the most difficult person.
Faith is truly essential to be able to keep loving despite outer appearances. Love does heal.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica,
Awesome post about these simple A, B and C’s of love. Enjoyed being here.
Now, one interesting thing is, I have a friend by name Bill Butler (you can find me on my blog’s sidebar as a featured member of my team. His motto has been: “Be Love To Others”.
I am sure you will enjoy connecting with him and getting to know his thoughts on this subject and help each other in your own ways.
Regards,
Kumar
Kumar,
I like that “Be love to others.” Thanks for suggesting that I connect with your friend. When I come back to your blog, I will check him out.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica,
Awesome post! Love is the answer to our problems. Unity, love for our brothers and sisters….aka everybody…..this will solve any problem or any perceived shortage in the world.
Thanks for sharing!
Ryan
Ryan,
I agree with you that we are here to learn how to love – and it is such a difficult task for most people. First, we are not taught the value of loving. Instead we are taught the value of appearing a certain way – rich, beautiful, young, energetic, powerful. Many of us view a loving person’s gestures as weak while we are impressed by a self-centered egotistical person’s boasting.
Thanks for your support in my quest to help people learn the art of loving.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Dr. Erica,
What a baby does show us that our natural instinct as human beings is to love. We are born with this and I dare say, this is the reason we come here on Earth. I would call Earth a school of love. The main purpose of this school is to teach adults how to love each other. To take that first, natural instinct and develop it into a conscious higher love. This is the only reason why we exist.
Unfortunately, there are many times when reason, society, other people block this normal development and we become selfish or even worse, start to hate.
Love is also an art. Those who master this art must teach other people how to do it.
In my opinion, the only reason our present civilization still exists is and it was not destroyed by a huge catastrophe is… those people who still love. As long as there are people on this world who love, we will survive as a species.
You have taken yourself a great responsibility: to teach the art of love. The most difficult thing on Earth. Great task!
Have a wonderful day
As the saying goes “Love makes the world go round.” I believe we exist to love. When you bring it down to that simplistic mindset, life is easy.
There is so much love around us, it is up to the individual to accept it or not. There are so many reminders of pure love, like a baby, like you mentioned above or a pet.
Sometimes when I’m feeling down, I look into my dog’s eyes and it is a reminder to me that all that exists is pure love. Now some people will complicate it and screw things up.
When we choose to create love by our empathy and awareness, it is like the law of attraction, love comes to us.
-Donna
Donna,
You have proven, over and over, in your writing and in the way you give to others that you do understand love and share your love freely. Wish you lived nearby and we could stop for a tea or coffee together.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. E,
Love is the most basic emotion that we humans manage to muck up.
I love (there’s that word) watching my grandson grow and develop. He just turned 8 months old. He’s enamored with everything he can get in his sights. He’s happy and he smiles a lot. No one had to teach him any of this, it just comes naturally.
I recall a story one of my Landmark Forum leaders shared about working with gang members. They would allow each member to get in front of the group and talk and talk and talk. When the gang leader came to the front he talked for better than 6 hours. By the end, when he had spent all his anger and rage, his frustrations, aspirations, hopes and dreams, he finished up in tears with all he ever wanted was to love and be loved by his mother.
Funny how underneath the thick layers of toughness is a need to love and be loved.
I love you.
RICK
Rick,
I love the joy you are seeing in your grandson and the love you are feeling in your life. I keep seeing that beneath all the awful incidents we are seeing in the news is a person who only wanted to be loved by mommy and daddy. Someone who feels loved has no need to hurt anybody else.
I love you too. Thanks for being my friend and comrade on this internet journey toward self-fulfillment and inner and outer success.
Warmly,
Erica