How to Look Good Naked (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Recently I gave a brief workshop for Singles – Loving Your LIfe and Finding Love – at a Singles Lifestyle Expo. At my booth, I had my Love Me, Touch Me, Heal Me books displayed as well as information about my Healing Through Love courses. It was educational and enlightening for me to see the responses of single men and women to what I am offering.
One attractive man stopped to look at my books, asked some questions, and then replied: “I’m not broken yet” – and he walked away smiling. Another man, much older and much less physically appealing stopped by my booth just as the Speed Dating Event was about to start. I asked him: “Are you joining the Speed Dating.” With an air of total confidence and indignation he replied: “I don’t need that. The women are already chasing me.”
The Speed Dating seemed to attract more women than men and I watched with curiosity as they lingered in conversation with their current partners before switching. One of the men, kind of ordinary looking but much younger and more physically appealing than many of the other men, seemed to be totally engaged with his changing partners in the Speed Dating process. Afterwards, when he stopped by my booth, I asked how he had enjoyed that event. With a tone of surprise and delight he shared that he had easily gotten phone numbers from several of the women he had met. I realized that for an average guy, this type of event could help him to stand out and be noticed, especially if he was younger and more physically fit than most of the other men.
In my Loving Your LIfe and Finding Love workshop, I asked the participants to tell us who they are by finishing the statement: “I am.” Then I invited them to describe their ideal romantic partner. Although some chose similar qualities, each one was really unique in what mattered most to them in choosing a partner. And after a brief group discussion, we all agreed that nothing is more important than knowing your own self, loving and accepting and acknowledging your self. Of course, it is also essential to know, love, accept and acknowledge the other person without wanting, needing and expecting him or her to change to meet your needs. And then I added another essential ingredient in the relationship healing formula – understanding how the world works and what creates love over time. We talked and shared and the attendees applauded at the end.
But the most enlightening comment I received was from a man who stopped by my booth, glanced at two of my books – Touch Me… Please and Sexual and Spiritual Reawakening – and blurted out a powerful truth about what men and women really want.. He spoke firmly and with conviction when he said: “Accept me naked!”
We both laughed because being naked conjures up images of naked body parts, youthful, beautiful and sexy as well as overweight, sagging, scarred and aging. But as this insightful man walked away, I realized that “Accept me naked” has much deeper meaning than just wanting my body to be accepted. We, men and women alike, long for others to accept us naked – exposed and revealed in our raw, naked and authentic truth. We want to be loved, acknowledged, accepted and appreciated exactly as we are. We want to be able to share our inner thoughts and emotions without judgement, criticism or reproach. We want to freely express our most natural and comfortable ways of being. And we want others to love us exactly the way we are – no matter what.
How willing are YOU to expose your raw and naked self to the one you love?
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Here’s to living your life in love and enjoying every moment.
Dr. Erica Goodstone
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Hi Dr. Erika,
thank you for sharing this experience.
It is interesting to read about the different responses.
Yes, being accepted ‘naked’, warts and all, is something most of us want.
Maybe when we are aware of our ‘cracks in the armor’ (where the light gets in) and or or baggage and learned how to accept that within in ourselves we can attract someone similar and find mutual acceptance?
Thank you for sharing this!
Love and Light!
Yorinda
Yorinda,
The person it is hardest for most of us to fully accept is our own self. We can be so hard on our self, expecting perfection, criticizing weaknesses and flaws. When we finally share, with somebody who knows and accepts us, we can relax and stop being afraid to reveal our true self to others. That is where the magic begins – when we open up and allow others to see us. That enables the other person to feel freer to share his or her true self.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
I think it starts with how comfortable you are with yourself. If you love and totally accept yourself, saying that would be easy. It would actually reflect on yourself and that’s how others will perceive you. So love and accept yourself unconditionally.
Growing older with the same guy for these 39 years – it’s funny – I see him as he was and not as he is. I asked him the other day how he sees me -and it’s the same for him. We’re both saggy and baggy and after this amount of time we know each other warts and all -but that’s not what either of us sees – we see the full spectrum from the 20+ year old we fell in love with to the person each of us is today. – Time has changed how we look but not how we feel. about each other – that part has only gotten better.
Marty,
You made a really valuable point about the benefits of remaining in a relationship for the long haul. I have to agree with you. My husband remembers me at my peak and I feel the same way about him. A new person that you just meet does not know your history and does not have that clear image of you in your youth. This is also the reason that when people reconnect with a childhood sweetheart they can fall madly in love again. William Masters, the co-found er of Sex Therapy, reconnected with his beautiful high school girlfriend when he was already in his 80’s. When I met them together it was such a warm and lovely feeling.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
What a wise man! … I’ve found the issue more to be with how my naked vulnerability is received rather than my willingness to share it. I guess it’s a bit like getting undressed, one layer at a time and each being aware of one another’s comfort levels.
Jackie,
You are wise to be careful and cautious in exposing your “naked vulnerability.” As the bible says, “Do not cast your pearls before swine.” When we open up fully to someone who cannot understand and who may choose to later use our openness against us in some way, it may be better to proceed with caution. Just as we might dip one toe in the cold water of a swimming pool, we can share just a bit and test the waters before totally opening and revealing our inner truth.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Sounds like you had a great time at this event. I do have to tell you your title did catch my attention I didn’t know what to expect.. it is tough to find someone who will except you as you are.
I have been with the same man for 20 some years and No we are not married but he does except me for me..
Thanks for sharing.
Chery 🙂
Chery,
Being in a 20 year relationship certainly teaches you about what really goes on in relationships. It is not this hype that we see in the media. There are ups and downs, times when you feel completely frustrated, angry or upset, and other times when you are melding together and having fun. Once you can accept each other for who each one really is, life together becomes so much easier and sweeter.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Oh my Gosh!!!! Great insightful statement! It’s really hard to find people who will accept you the way you are. And when it comes to dating and relationships, that goes double and triple! Finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with is not easy. You both need to get past the niceties and see what you are really like on Good Days and Bad. Someone said you should know someone for at least 3 years before marrying them. Makes sense to me! A woman posted on FB recently that her relationship was on the rocks. She let the guy move in after only knowing him for 2 weeks. This was an attractive woman, well-dressed and successful in her career about 55 years old. I was shocked that she appeared to desperate to let someone move in so quickly. Eventually, he was living off of her BUT also told her she didn’t love him anymore. The point is to get to know your partner. It’s hard enough to make things work with someone you know , love and trust!
Jim,
I agree that it is good to wait 3 years. People can put on a good front for 2 weeks, 3 months, sometimes even for an entire year. But sooner or later, if you are paying attention, their true character reveals itself. And you don’t want to have someone you hardly know move into your space. That is asking for problems. Building a solid, loving relationship that lasts requires lots of communication, shared experiences and time together.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erica,
great topic and article.. summarizing the who event was wonderful.. as I read through, I felt I was there doing what you were doing and asking the same questions… “Speed Dating” – “I’m not broken yet” – “I don’t need that. The women are already chasing me.” .. you sure are very attentive!!!!
And “Accept Me Naked… wow, this is truly a huge one… as you said, at first it seem like it is only as we look on the outside… but thinking deeply, the meaning is truly as you explained… that was interesting to me… mostly because I already experienced it a few times and I did not think of anything, but it is very, very important.
Thanks so much for your sharing such great knowledge that will help so many people understand them selves more.
nickc
Nick,
Thanks for your wise reply. And I know you have experienced what it is like to be truly authentic and to be seen exactly as you are.
Warmly,
Erica
Hi Erica,
I enjoyed reading your experience at the speed dating event. It sounds fun !:-)
It is true that when we love someone we will just accept one as the person we want and let him/her be him/herself. At many times, physical appearance seem to take the lead in finding a partner but after a while, the couple will end up blaming each other when thing goes wrong in the relationship. In the end, there is no long lasting relationship. So, what is the point taking the trouble going into such relationship, right ? 🙂 However, not all will end up this way but I would say, majority of them will !
Thanks again for this interesting post. I love it very much, Erica 🙂
Cheers
Pearly
Pearly,
I think you are wrong about what you are saying. Many long lasting relationships bring both partners comfort and joy. Each one needs a goodly amount of emotional maturity to be able to see their own and their partner’s flaws, learn how to deal with it and even accept it the way it is, and be able to appreciate this other person who is devoting their time and energy to being together. Two people who appreciate each other can be very happy and can truly accept each other as is.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica,
As Always, I appreciate your opinion and sharing 🙂 Thank you 🙂
Actually, you are right…long lasting relationship is what everyone is looking for. That’s what I meant ! :-)) I don’t see there is a point to fall in love with someone by the look when both have different personalities and can’t accept each other well. That can results into breaking up and the relationship won’t last long.
Cheers
Pearly 🙂
Hi Pearly,
Thanks for responding again and clarifying how you are thinking.
Warmly,
Erica
I think we are all intrigued by the speed dating! I’m not sure I’d have the courage to attend such an event!
Sarah,
The speed dating took place in the center area of a big hall with booths all around the outside. Whoever entered the center and joined the speed dating could be seen by everyone. If I had been running the event, I would have put the speed dating into a private area. But if it had to be held in the center, I would have walked people over to the chairs or had some attractive men and women escort the guests to the chairs. It took some really brave men to sit in the middle like that – and since there were more women than men, it must have been a bit embarassing for the women to me sitting facing nobody.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Agree with Lesly – The Speed Dating must have been fascinating to watch – Oh to have been privy to some of the conversations .
We all carry around a load of armor – some of us more than others – and letting go of it is difficult and scary. Not sure which is scarier being physically naked or psychologically naked (if that’s even possible)
Marty,
Actually, it is much less scary to be physically naked. Especially if we are with a partner who accepts our body or if we feel good about our body – and if there is affection and kind communication. But even with the most accepting partner, it can be terrifying to share our deepest fears and insecurities. Because once another person knows who we are, we can no longer hide when we feel like it. And that other person may not be gentle and respectful.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
What a great experience for you Dr Erica to see women and men commenting after the speed dating experience.
Each one expresses his own map of the world, his fears and desires behind a few words.
Not to speak about the non verbal communication which shouts loud.
The title accept me naked is powerful because it presupposed we need to love and accept ourselves naked in our authenticity , uniqueness with no judgement at all.
Achieving total love and acceptance as we are is where the magic of healing takes place.
Thanks for this post, I learned a lot!
Patricia,
You are so right. When we can truly love and accept our own self exactly as we are – and know it is okay – the magic of healing begins. Every one of those people who has committed some horrendous crime, if we looked into their psychology, we would definitely find a person who is hurting emotionally and not accepting him or herself. When we feel loved and love our own self, we are not afraid of others and we cannot intentionally hurt anyone.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Erica,
That must have been interesting to watch.. Speed Dating.. but I think the question you ask is a really raw and honest one. Being naked and accepted for how you look, sags and all, whatever you think is wrong with you, to me sounds like the best possible experience… because when you really love someone, you love their essense and it wouldn’t matter what they look like.. maybe that’s pollyanish, or wishful thinking, but I would love that… too much judgeing…
Lesly,
I think Angelina Jolie is showing the world that such a relationship IS possible. But all that judgment is not limited to our physical appearance. We are judged by others for our intelligence, creativity, lifestyle, weight, aging, race, religion, etc. It is such a relief to be with one or more people who know us and accept and love us exactly the way we are.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica